Coffee Cups

Why do people do whatever the absolutely laziest and crudest thing is? I’m talking about those stupid little caps on coffee cups. Everyone drinks Starbucks. I don’t even have a problem with that. I’ve come to accept it and have even joined the bunch, treating myself to a cappuccino once or twice a week.

You know what I do with that little cap as soon as I get back to my desk? I rip that bastard off. It is a travel lid. You use it when you are travelling. When you have traveled back to your desk, you are done with it. You know what you are saying when you sit in a meeting around a big, non-moving stable conference table? “Look at me! I’m a big retard! I have to drink from a sippie cup so I don’t spill my peppermint caramel chai rocky road soy latte with nutmeg sprinkled on top and extra whipped cream, because I can’t be trusted with a big-boy cup!”

That’s what it is, people. It is a sippie cup. You know what? I outgrew sippie cups 25 fucking years ago. I can handle a real cup of cappuccino, without all the goddamned candy and twigs and chocolate dust churned into it, and I can sit at my desk without spilling it in my lap. I sit across the table from these mouth-breathers and wonder if they would cry if I knocked their sippie cup over. They already cry if you use real moo-cow whole milk instead of their “soy milk”. There’s no such thing as soy milk, people. There are no titties on a soybean. You are drinking soy juice. Call it what it is.

I would bring my own cup to Starbucks and have them fill that, just so I would know that a sippie cup lid never touched my coffee, except that hippies would think that I was one of them trying to help the environment. I can’t get them to make it in my cup and then throw one away just so the environment doesn’t get off scot-free, because they won’t. I asked. (And I’m not asking again, because I want spit in my coffee less than I do soy milk.) And now they are already using holiday cups. It isn’t even Thanksgiving yet. Now I have to chose between having a red snowflake sippie cup, or having everyone think I am a hippie. Damned hippies ruin everything. They ruined the definition of “liberal” and now they are ruining coffee.

I am so very close to buying an espresso machine and keeping it in my office, where I can make real cappuccino with unfair-trade coffee stolen from poor migrant workers in South America while their wives are pistol whipped, brew it with over-Clinton-regulation amounts of arsenic in the water, and then filled with foamed unpasturized real-cow moo milk. In one of those cups from Mexico that leeches lead. Then I would have a real man’s cup of cappuccino. The only problem is that everyone would hang out in my office, because all the real men would be here, and all the women want to be around real men, and I would never get any work done. And real men get shit done.

19 Comments

  1. Cosmic Siren says:

    Note to self – Send Phelps rusty nails for Christmas, so he’ll get his iron with his cappuccino.

  2. Mexigogue says:

    Coffee and This Chick

    Phelps has the best coffee rant ever on his blog. That reminds me I haven’t blogged about coffee in a while. Things have been going pretty good over here since I chased away the coffee slacker(s). Mornings are great, bleary…

  3. rae says:

    Wal-Mart has a decent espresso/cappuccino machinge on sale for less than $50.

  4. Phelps says:

    I already have a Mr. Coffee one at the house that has been sitting in the cabinet for years. I don’t WANT one here in the office, or my office will become the hep place to hang out. My office will turn into a coffee house. I’ve been considering this for years.

  5. Phelps says:

    Men tend to have too much iron in our systems because we don’t bleed all the time. That is what kills us 10 years early.

  6. rae says:

    My men bleed on a regular basis-I’d say once a week-usually from the daily ass-whippins I’m forced to dish out in order to keep them in line.

  7. Phelps says:

    Then you might be blessed with having them hunting you all the way to the end of your life after you dump them, instead of them all dying off early and giving you 10 years of peace and quiet.

  8. rae says:

    I doubt any of them are dumb enough to even try- but we’ll see.

    By the way-My yams are a secret family recipe so sorry I can’t pass them along!!

  9. yam says:

    I yam what i yam

  10. Phelps Rocks….

    .. I swear to God, people… The Everlasting Phelps has it going on…. .. if we aren’t related, even distantly, then we should just get together and shoot our AR-15s and drink some scotch coffee.. or, we could go and…

  11. Key says:

    It’s a temp thing once you get it to your desk, isn’t it?

    If you can drink the coffee before it gets cold, remove the lid. If it takes you 30 minutes, and you want it to stay hot for that 30 minutes…leave it on, right?

    My husband and I have actually had this conversation. (He’s a lid remover as well.)

  12. Phelps says:

    No, it takes me a while to drink it. I just drink it cold.

  13. mexigogue says:

    I forgot to bring my digital camera to work but I’m gonna see if I can use someone else’s. I have to show you my coffee cup. It reminds me of me.

  14. Phelps says:

    My coffee cup has gone missing again. It is one of these.

  15. Warrior Princess says:

    That was hilariously refreshing, kinda like my 4 shot breve lattes that no fool ever knows how to make. thanks for posting, I am amused.

  16. PoliArt says:

    Bonfire of the Vanities

    During a fire, smoke and poisonous gases rise with the heat. The air is cleaner near the floor. If you encounter smoke or flames while you are escaping from a fire, use an alternative escape route. If you must escape through smoke, crawl on your hands …

  17. Kin says:

    ’cause ThinkGeek rocks. I used to drink my adult beverages from a ThinkGeek #include

  18. Kin says:

    ’cause ThinkGeek rocks. I used to drink my adult beverages from a ThinkGeek beer.h glass. But someone broke it. I still haven’t forgotten…

  19. Kin says:

    sorry for the double post…