Why do people do whatever the absolutely laziest and crudest thing is? I’m talking about those stupid little caps on coffee cups. Everyone drinks Starbucks. I don’t even have a problem with that. I’ve come to accept it and have even joined the bunch, treating myself to a cappuccino once or twice a week.
You know what I do with that little cap as soon as I get back to my desk? I rip that bastard off. It is a travel lid. You use it when you are travelling. When you have traveled back to your desk, you are done with it. You know what you are saying when you sit in a meeting around a big, non-moving stable conference table? “Look at me! I’m a big retard! I have to drink from a sippie cup so I don’t spill my peppermint caramel chai rocky road soy latte with nutmeg sprinkled on top and extra whipped cream, because I can’t be trusted with a big-boy cup!”
That’s what it is, people. It is a sippie cup. You know what? I outgrew sippie cups 25 fucking years ago. I can handle a real cup of cappuccino, without all the goddamned candy and twigs and chocolate dust churned into it, and I can sit at my desk without spilling it in my lap. I sit across the table from these mouth-breathers and wonder if they would cry if I knocked their sippie cup over. They already cry if you use real moo-cow whole milk instead of their “soy milk”. There’s no such thing as soy milk, people. There are no titties on a soybean. You are drinking soy juice. Call it what it is.
I would bring my own cup to Starbucks and have them fill that, just so I would know that a sippie cup lid never touched my coffee, except that hippies would think that I was one of them trying to help the environment. I can’t get them to make it in my cup and then throw one away just so the environment doesn’t get off scot-free, because they won’t. I asked. (And I’m not asking again, because I want spit in my coffee less than I do soy milk.) And now they are already using holiday cups. It isn’t even Thanksgiving yet. Now I have to chose between having a red snowflake sippie cup, or having everyone think I am a hippie. Damned hippies ruin everything. They ruined the definition of “liberal” and now they are ruining coffee.
I am so very close to buying an espresso machine and keeping it in my office, where I can make real cappuccino with unfair-trade coffee stolen from poor migrant workers in South America while their wives are pistol whipped, brew it with over-Clinton-regulation amounts of arsenic in the water, and then filled with foamed unpasturized real-cow moo milk. In one of those cups from Mexico that leeches lead. Then I would have a real man’s cup of cappuccino. The only problem is that everyone would hang out in my office, because all the real men would be here, and all the women want to be around real men, and I would never get any work done. And real men get shit done.