Fireworks Rules

Yes, I will be purchasing some fireworks for New Years. Actually, I will probably be getting close to two bills worth, if past history is any indicator.Mamaslyth posted the “Rules of firework safety as I learned them growing up”. I learned them a little differently, but they are substantially the same.

1) SELECT DETONATION SITE AND PREPARE IT WITH CARE.

Pick a place where you won’t have to keep watch for the police. It really drags down the night. Make sure that you have a clear line of sight all around, in case your fireworks descend some before going off. Nothing pisses you off more than spending $8 on a rocket and then missing the giant Kaboom because a neighbor’s house is in the way.

Have lots of beer around to put out any embers. Find a huge honking pipe to handle the big ass rockets that you should have bought. If no pipe is available, drink more beer and use the bottles. If the rocket is too big to stand up in the bottle, light it with one hand, watch the fuse, and then throw it up in the air right before it goes off. As a matter of fact, to hell with the pipe. Just do this. Also, keep an eye out for things like trash cans, old car rims and coffee cans that can have Black Cats thrown in them.

Concrete helps, since this is the only way to get ni– er, whistling chasers to work. The best thing to do is just pass on them and spend more money on mortars. Ooh, I love mortars. Especially the big baseball size ones. The ones with names like “Crackling Red Dragon.” Gotta move on, getting too horny.

2) NEVER HOLD A EXPLOSIVE WHILE DETONATING IT.

… unless you are old enough to drive yourself to the hospital. Ahh, that sure is an empowering day when you realize that you are old enough that you can ignore your mother’s nagging as you ignite black powder in those delicate temples of the ingenuity of God we call hands. If you aren’t sure if you are old enough, try it with a little pop bottle rocket and see if your dad tells her, “oh, leave the boy alone” when she throws a shit-fit.

3) NEVER AIM A FIREWORK AT A LIVING THING.

… without giving said living thing a fair chance. Fair chances shall consist of:

  • A verbal warning — “Hey, Sam!”
  • A fair chance — hold it in your own hand. This makes it easier to aim, anyway. If it is too dangerous to hold in your hand, it is too dangerous to shoot at them. Pussy.
  • A fighting chance. If they aren’t old enough to shoot back (because they aren’t allowed to hold fireworks while they light them) then leave them alone. Except n–whistling chasers. Those are ok. Even on white people.

4) THINK AHEAD BEFORE YOU DETONATE.

Consider how big the explosion will be. Thinking about how much you had to pay for it. Figure out which way Sam is going to jump when he sees you pointing a $12 Black Cat “Thunder Dick” rocket with a two foot stick at him and how much to lead him. Think about where you put your beer in case you have to put out the embers on your shirt while laughing at Sam. Think about the Chinese lady who lovingly wrapped up this machine of juvenile destruction. Damn, gotta stop again.

5) EXTINGUISH REMAINS.

Then bury said remains in the back 40. Make sure everyone’s story matches up but doesn’t sound too rehearsed.

6) KEEP A EYE OUT FOR INFRACTIONS OR FIRES.

Laugh uncontrollably at said fires. If enough beer has been consumed, feel free to urinate on them if the urge strikes you. Expect to have rockets and roman candles fired at you in that case.

4 Comments

  1. Cosmic Siren says:

    http://wizbangblog.com/archives/004469.php

    Nothing more needs to be said.

  2. Phelp says:

    And he’s old enough to drive himself to the hospital. Carry on.

  3. skh says:

    I think that your guidelines are printed on this magnificent Flowering Vagina of Fire super-dooper $19.95 canon that I bought. They probably are, since there are about 3000 Chinese characters on the package…but I’m not certain because, um, I can’t read Chinese.

  4. Phelps says:

    I bet come 1/2/05 when I don’t have any hands, all my writing will look Chinese.