The Everlasting Phelps

TRIGGER WARNING: This entire site will cause massive butthurt in any precious snowflake that needs a trigger warning for anything.

The $64,000 Question

December 17th, 2008

Sipsey Street Irregulars:

“So, if the order came down to pickup all assault weapons, would you do it?” He looked off into the distance for a minute and, then said, as if to no one in particular, “Yeah, I would.” And what about his fellow officers? Would they? Now he looked at me in the face. “Yeah, they would. Some of ‘em wouldn’t want to, but they’d obey orders rather than lose their jobs.” I nodded. “But if it came to that, wouldn’t you have to pick up all the guns?”

He nodded in agreement and then said, “Look, if we’re in somebody’s house confiscating illegal guns, if its a firearm we’re taking it.” And what if the guy didn’t have the assault weapon they were looking for, what if he just had a shotgun or something? “At that point, I’m taking it until he can prove that he doesn’t have an illegal weapon hidden somewhere.”

This is entirely consistent with my experience regarding the police.

Hey Dallas

December 16th, 2008


We need to have a talk.

I know that you are freaked out.  I don’t understand that, because this happens every damned year.

It’s real simple.  Most of the country handles this just fine.

First, turn on your lights.  Okay?  People are more likely to run into you if they don’t even know you are there because they can’t fucking see you.

Yes, I know that the almanac says that the sun is up.  Yes, I know that you can see well enough to make out the stripes on the road and that should be enough for anyone.  Turn them on anyways, okay?  You should really have them on any time you are driving.  You should especially have them on when it is overcast, sleeting and snowing.

Second, forget that you have a brake pedal when you are anywhere near a bridge.  I know that you are only hitting it a little.  See, the problem is, since you are an asshat to start with, there’s fifteen people stacked up behind you, and each one has to hit it a little harder.  Which means I’m having to slam on my breaks at the end of the line because you are a fucking dipshit with no spine.  Drive over the goddamned bridge.  It might have a little ice on it.  It doesn’t have lava on it.  It is very difficult for both to be on the bridge at the same time.  It’s an engineering nightmare.

Third, turn on your fucking lights.

Fourth, we need to talk about that stuff.  You know, the stuff that suddenly appears and causes you to carreen in random directions screaming like a three year old girl being chased by a clown whenever you see it?  Including around the passenger compartment of your car?  That stuff is not radioactive fallout.  It isn’t a secret government nano-car destroyer project gone haywire.  It’s snow.  Your car won’t explode if it hits it.  It doesn’t coat the road with teflon.  Unless you can actually see it once it hits the road, you don’t need to worry about it.  In fact, it is damned near impossible that enough of it will ever fall in Dallas that you need to worry about it, at least not in our lifetimes.    When you see this snow, the correct proceedure is to act like it is raining.  I swear.

Fifth, turn your fucking lights ON you fucking GOON.

Sixth, if your lights still aren’t on, pull over to the side of the road and shoot yourself in the head.  If you don’t have a gun, find a bunny board and beat yourself to death.

At Least One

December 8th, 2008

Liberals voice concerns about Obama:

Now some are shedding a reluctance to puncture the liberal euphoria at being rid of President George W. Bush to say, in effect, that the new boss looks like the old boss.

“He has confirmed what our suspicions were by surrounding himself with a centrist to right cabinet. But we do hope that before it’s all over we can get at least one authentic progressive appointment,” said Tim Carpenter, national director of the Progressive Democrats of America.

(My emphasis)  Yeah, real high standard there for your “lightbringer”.

Sad thing?  You probably would have met that standard with McCain, which is why Republicans didn’t turn out for him.

The Everlasting Phelps

TRIGGER WARNING: This entire site will cause massive butthurt in any precious snowflake that needs a trigger warning for anything.