The Everlasting Phelps

Today is Wictory Wednesday again. I thought about it, and I could tell you that you need to donate to the Bush campaign because of how Kerry says one day that he doesn’t cross picket lines and then goes out two days later and crosses a picket line. I could tell you that you should volunteer to help the Bush campaign because Bush was the CinC of the force who freed an entire totalitarian dictatorship this week in Iraq.

I thought about that and decided to tell a filthy lie instead.

John Kerry likes to watch you POOP.

And now the Wictory Wednesday blogroll.

This Alliance is pretty pushy for a group that isn’t really led by its Not-As-Funny-As-Me leader. Now they want to know What further scandals will examination of Iraqi documents reveal? Pshaw. Pshaw, I say! This one is easy.

• 10. Iraqi documents reveal that Germany was once run by Nazis.
• 9. Chirac sends an annual preemptive surrender to Iraq.
• 8. Most of Iraq’s AK-47s, T-72s and MIG fighter jets came from Russia, not the USA.
• 7. Osama is hiding in the love nest he used to share with Saddam.
• 6. There is a scathing review of “Bowling for Columbine” in the Comical Ali’s files: “How does this guy think anyone is going to believe this shit?”
• 5. Dan Rather just luvs Saddam’s fig casserole.
• 4. Uday and Qusay were really just Branch Davidians, not Saddam’s sons.
• 3. France hired an Iraqi assassin to shoot John Kennedy.
• 2. Heinz Ketchup is a vital component of Saddam’s poison gas weapons.
• 1. Saddam Hussain is Glenn Reynolds in disguise!

With this, we are closer to the reality of a Commie Cyborg than we ever thought. And there is one person who is best suited to bring this horror to reality than any other person: Evil Glenn.

Between his BlogAds, his Penguin-Pr0n business, and his RonCo stock (options he gained for inventing the Inside the Skin Puppy Blender), he is flush with funds, and we all know that any spending money he get is spent on evil. The pieces are coming together.

We don’t know what Evil Glenn’s final Commie Cyborg will look like, but we do have the following artist’s renditions on what the final result could very well look like.

These renderings are of course based on wild conjecture and nearly baseless assumptions, but when you are dealing with Evil Glenn, nothing is too farfetched.

The Communist mad scientists at Berzerkly are Developing Robotic Exoskeletons that can Enhance Human Strength and Endurance. This is bad, people. I know, I’ve advocated the creation of powered body armor, and giant mecha, and all sorts of mechanical-human enhancement devices before, but there is a crucial difference: those were all being developed by good, hard working capitalists. (Sure, they are Japs, but I don’t think we should hold that against them.) What we have here is nothing less than a Commie Plot^TM.

It is just a matter of time before the Reds build on this technology and create full fledged commie cyborgs. It is time for a little preemption in Cali.

So the Alliance wants to know about White Glenn’s Movie Remake, huh?

Let’s see if we can figure this one out, huh? Megalomaniacal semi-genius who can’t control his urges to reach out and throttle things (like hobos)? Check. Use of advanced defense department developed technology to take over and eventually destroy the world? Check. Blended puppies in the buffet next to the poached eggs? Check. (Look in the deleted scenes on the DVD.)

This one will probably do pretty well. Who wouldn’t go and see Frank J’s rendition of Major Kong? Harvey as General Ripper, ranting about protecting Our Precious Space Bars? Glenn Reynolds as George Bush (from Frank J’s World), Mandrake and the terrifying Dr. Instapundit? What in the world is more terrifying than a lawyer with 100,000 readers, I ask?

I bet Kubrick would have done it too, if he wasn’t, you know, dead.

The Alliance has asked for pictures of Glenn as a child. I don’t have that, but I have found one of White Glenn’s first summer job as a teen. White Glenn was the world famous pro-wrestler “Big Chief Puppy Whompa.”

I remember watching Chief Whompa every week on an old black and white TV. Those riveting interviews still stand out in my mind, with his rousing challenge, “I’m gonna see you in the squared circle this Sunday, and if you chicken out, I’ll club this puppy and drink him! And you know I’ll do it, too!” And then he would yell out his Indian war cry: “Aaaaiiiiinddeeeeeeeeddaaa!”

Every week, he would rob the other guy of a win. He never pinned the other guy, one-two-three in the middle of the ring. No. He would have to club them over the head with his puppy, or stand on a steel chair and teach them law, or hide behind a hobo to keep the other guy from hitting him. I don’t think he ever won a match fair and square.

He sure was a good heel.

So what does White Glenn have on the head of his bed? These are the sorts of questions that kept me out of the good schools. Since I am Alliance Secret Agent Man, I decided to call in a favor with a script kiddie cousin of mine, and I had one of White Glenn’s Robo-maids hacked to return video. Here is what I saw:

• A dogeared copy of “Are You There, Allah? It’s Me, Osama”
• A Ronco Inside the Skin Puppy Scrambler
• A wallet that says “Bad Mother Hobo Killa”
• A manuscript titled, “How to Take Over The World With a Website by Glenn Reynolds, Lawyer” (heavily edited in puce crayon)
• Three monkey toes
• A Pirate Map with a big X labeled “Saddam’s WMD”
• Garlic Repellent
• Tinfoil Fedora
• Five years of toenail clippings
• One unused prophylactic. One soiled
• A highlighted copy of “The Anarchist Hobo Cookbook”
• An autographed photo of Fidel Castro. Nude.
• One pissed off monkey with a limp
• A detailed dossier entitled “The Everlasting Phelps” with “DIE DIE DIE” scribbled on it in puce crayon

Crap. I gotta go.