Archive for the ‘Phelps’ Lists’ Category.

Russ for Pope

Mexigogue gave his Top 10 Reason Why the Mexigogue Should be the Next Pope. I couldn’t disagree more. I think Russ Martin should be the next Pope. Here’s Ten Reasons why:

  • 10. The Batmobile is cooler than the Popemobile.
  • 9. Russ has his own bullhorn.
  • 8. Russ has lots of good ideases. He’s an ideases man.
  • 7. Russ knows how to throw a good sermon.
  • 6. Sinners could spin the Wheel of Penance.
  • 5. Ritz crackers would get the new Communion Wafer contract.
  • 4. New hymns sung over old hymn music.
  • 3. Nuns love Russ.
  • 2. Jack Daniels Communion wine.
  • 1. Russ has the best advice for priests who want to touch the weenie.

Terrorists

The Alliance: Precision Guided Humor Round-up: How to Tell If Someone Is A Terrorist. So it’s late. I was busy. Uh… killing terrorists.

  • 10. None of his model airplanes have landing gears.
  • 9. Whenever you warn him that smoking is going to kill him, he smiles and says, “That’s what you think.”
  • 8. He drives every where in a Pinto doing 50 in reverse.
  • 7. Whenever you mention the Unibomber he snorts and mumbles, “Amateur.”
  • 6. He always wears an “Anthrax” shirt but you never heard him listen to heavy metal.
  • 5. When you question him about the Semtex in his pocket, he regales you with stories about how he served in Viet Nam.
  • 4. When you watch Jeopardy with him, he keeps shouting, “Who is Allah?!?
  • 3. He asks you to help him move his diesel and fertilizer collection. And he wants to use your truck.
  • 2. He has his initials tattooed on various parts of his body “to insure they get a proper Muslim burial.”
  • 1. He introduces himself by saying, “Hello, I am Abdula, and I’ll be your butcher today.”

Bad Lawyers

Tiger has a list of way to tell you have a bad lawyer. I have more. (Read his, then mine.)

  • He asks you if he should wear a suit to court.
  • When you ask him if he has ever been held in contempt, he has to think about it.
  • When he shows up at the courthouse the judge asks him, “is this pro se or pro bono?”
  • His business cards have a “50% off” coupon on the back.
  • His engagement letter is signed in crayon.
  • You ask what his bar number is and he gives the phone number for the local strip joint.
  • You ask him if he has a brief and he says, “No, boxers.”
  • He isn’t prepared to speak, because, after all, it is a hearing, not a speaking.
  • You are the security check at the courthouse and he asks you if there is any metal in crack.
  • He watches My Cousin Vinnie and then bills you two hours for “research”.
  • His idea of voir dire of a witness is to ask, “Oh yeah, well what makes you such an expert?”
  • He keeps his notes on a Big Chief tablet.
  • He has to drop your case to help a Nigerian Prince who just emailed him.

C’mon, people. There have to be more.

Anudder Meme

Straight White Guy sends this meme along.

  • Last Cigarette: never
  • Last Alcoholic Drink: Absinthe, last night. From this place. It was a lot like moonshine.
  • Last Car Ride: To work this morning.
  • Last Kiss: Don’t recall.
  • Last Good Cry: Reagan.
  • Last Library Book checked out: Dunno, but I still have it checked out.
  • Last Movie Seen in Theater: Dawn of the Dead
  • Last Book Read: The Tyranny of Good Intentions
  • Last Movie Rented: Watched? MST3K: The Brain that Wouldn’t Die. Unwatched: Chinatown.
  • Last Cuss Word Uttered: Communist.
  • Last Beverage Drank: Coffee.
  • Last Food Consumed: Birthday cake. (not mine.)
  • Last Crush: An attorney here. If she wasn’t married… I probably still wouldn’t try anything. Actually, I’m still working on that one.
  • Last Phone Call: An attorney here, alerting me to a typo in a presentation to the court tomorrow.
  • Last TV Show Watched: Aqua Teen Hunger Force.
  • Last Time Showered: Monday. (My shower is busted so I’m showering at my parents’ house.)
  • Last Shoes Worn: The black Oxfords I am wearing now.
  • Last CD Played: Garbage Version 2.0 on the way home last night in the car.
  • Last Item Bought: A 45ci 3000psi HPA tank for my paintball marker on eBay.
  • Last Download: Manual for a Sanyo PLC-XU60
  • Last Annoyance: Dribbling water from the absinthe all over the coffee table last night
  • Last Disappointment: Stewarts Peach Soda, Sunday.
  • Last Soda: Stewarts Peach Soda, Sunday. They aren’t as good as Nehi. Not dry at all like Nehi is.
  • Last Thing Written: This list.
  • Last Key Used: Office
  • Last Word(s) Spoken: “Later”
  • Last Sleep: 6:30 AM this morning.
  • Last IM: From my 16 year old cousin yesterday. (Not the same one as below.)
  • Last Sexual Fantasy: The chick in the beige skirt and jacket this morning on the walk from the parking lot to the office. skeet skeet skeet
  • Last Weird Encounter: Giving the hairy eyeball to an unmarked police car cruising my block last night while I was grilling my NY Strips in the front driveway last night
  • Last Ice Cream Eaten: Bryers Mint Chocolate Chip Sunday. Sorry, Blue Bell.
  • Last Time Amused: Watching that stupid AARP Pork SS flash animation thing.
  • Last Time Wanting To Die: Never. I… I will survive…
  • Last Time Hugged: Last weekend, when my Aunt came down from Oklahoma for a visit.
  • Last Time Scolded: Don’t recall.
  • Last Time Resentful: Don’t recall.
  • Last Chair Sat In: Black adjustible office chair with arms. Here at the office.
  • Last Underwear Worn: Plaid boxers, on my behind right now.
  • Last Bra Worn: My cousin’s, on my head. She didn’t think it was funny either.
  • Last Shirt Worn: White shirt. With tie. Wearing it now.
  • Last Webpage Visited: SWG. See above.

Don’t Click If You Are Squeemish

There is a new Precision Guided Humor Assignment: What would be featured at the Terrorist Olympics?

Another List

What is this I hear? Is someone calling for a Phelps’ List? 10 uses for Napalm, eh?

  • 10. Car paint remover. Preferrably that guy down the street whose dog won’t shut the hell up’s car.
  • 9. Replacement for charcoal briquettes.
  • 8. Rocket fuel for your rocket wheelchair
  • 7. Drano replacement.
  • 6. Witches.
  • 5. Taco sauce.
  • 4. Ant remover.
  • 3. Secret ingedient for Flaming Moes.
  • 2. Writing your name in the neighbor’s yard
  • 1. Cross-starter for your Klan meeting.

Favorite Fictional Characters

So Right Wing News sent out an email asking for Bloggers To Select Their Favorite Fictional Characters and I didn’t get an invite. That’s ok — one day I will find you, and I will kill you for this dishonor. But, enough of the formalities. I’m sure you are all dying to know what my picks are. Here you go, in no particular order:

  1. Joachim Steubens, Hammer’s Slammers series
  2. General Turgidson, Dr. Strangelove
  3. Gunny Highway, Heartbreak Ridge
  4. Major Sam Carter, Stargate SG-1
  5. Smokey, Friday
  6. Number 6, The Prisoner
  7. Hannibal “The Cannibal” Lector
  8. Emperor Palpatine, Return of the Jedi
  9. Sheriff Bart, Blazing Saddles
  10. Taggart, Blazing Saddles
  11. Walter Sobechek, The Big Lebowski
  12. Inigo Montoya, The Princess Bride
  13. Mulberry Field 30 (Sanjuro Kuwabatake), Yojimbo
  14. Beavis, Beavis and Butthead
  15. Cactus Jack — Bang bang!
  16. Enki (if he really is fictional)
  17. Starscream, The Transformers
  18. Stephen Gregg, Igniting the Reaches Trilogy
  19. Random, The Chronicles of Amber
  20. Trent the Transformer, The Xanth Series
  21. Edward Wong Hau Pepelu Tivrusky IV, Cowboy Bebop
  22. Sam Lowrey, Brazil
  23. Animal Mother, Full Metal Jacket
  24. Bucky Katt, Get Fuzzy
  25. Ashly J. Williams, The Evil Dead