Archive for the ‘Phelps’ Phunny’ Category.

Party?

CrossTalker

“We’re being out-Alinskyed by the anti-Alinskys”

Ben Jealous, NAACP president, on the ACORN story and other conservative Internet exposes

“Rommel, you magnificent bastard! I read your book!”

Misattributed to George S. Patton.

Android Sex Dolls

Some female writers warn guys that the dolls can’t converse, have a social life of her own that doesn’t involve you or “reject douchebags.” In other news, First Androids just received four million new orders for the doll.

That is how you do droll.

The White Obama

So Jimmy Carter and a bunch of other idiotarians have claimed that most if not all of the opposition to Obama’s Health Insurance Takeover is because Obama is black.  Here’s where I’m having a problem.  How do these guys think it would have gone if Obama wasn’t black?  Like, say John Edwards won.  Do they really think it would have gone like this?

John Edwards, POTUS:  I want to completely take over health insurance and fine anyone who doesn’t pay for it.

Republicans: What?

John Edwards: Single payer healthcare.  It’s time.  We Won.

Republicans:  Well…

John Edwards: IwonIwonIwon!!!

Republicans: Well… okay.

John Edwards:  I’m glad you guys are on board.  Why, just the other day I was channeling dead babies, and they told me that socialized medicine was just what this country needed.

Joe Wilson: YOU LIE!

Republicans:  Joe?  WTF?  Can’t you tell that the president is white?

Joe Wilson: Huh?  (Squints)  Oh, sorry, sorry.  I just got new contacts.

George W. Bush:  Hey, some racist said that you also want to give free healthcare to illegal aliens.  Is that true?

John Edwards: YOU LIE!

Democrats: Damnit George, what the hell?  This isn’t some black guy, this is the president of the United States of America!  I don’t know about you, but we think that’s a pretty important office.  How dare you treat a president like that, you monkey-faced Hitler-like person that we have constant assassination fantasies about!

John Edwards: Oh, and we need a new tax.  Cap and Trade.  Give it.

Republicans: Hey, we’re in the middle of a recession.  Might be a depression.  We don’t think that this is a good time to raise taxes.  We don’t think that there is a good time to raise taxes, but this is probably the worst.

John Edwards: Achem.  (Holds up a porcelain plate to his face and points)

Republicans: Oh, right, right, we forgot.  Go ahead.

Kanye West: This joint session of Congress is pretty good, and I’m gonna let you see it, but I just wanna say, Hillary had the best socialized medicine plan of all time.  Of all time!

http://phelps.donotremove.net/2004/11/election/

I’m Voting Democrat

In response to this…

I’m voting Democrat because I think that the way to lower gas prices is to increase the costs of the oil companies by making them pay more taxes. I mean, they are just pumping their money out of the ground.

I’m voting Democrat because health care is so expensive that we should have the government pay for it. If it keeps getting more expensive, they can just print some more money.

I’m voting Democrat because I support affirmative action. White presidents have been screwing the country up for the last 200 years. I think it is time we see how badly a black president can screw up the country.

I’m voting Democrat because I think we should have some more gun control. Sure, my cousin was stabbed to death, but hey, imagine how tragic it would have been if she had been shot.

I’m voting Democrat because I think that the borders aren’t open enough. Al Queda and MS-13 don’t scare me — but having to cut my own grass does.

I’m voting Democrat because because I hate Whitey. Always sitting over there, hurting my eyes with all that glare.

I’m voting Democrat because I think that polar bears are more important than fuel costs. After all, if you get cold, you can just snuggle up to a nice fuzzy polar bear.

I’m voting Democrat because I would rather die talking to a homicidal dictator than have to live with another war. After all, the Iranians are just like us, except for eating strange food.

I’m voting Democrat because I would rather pay more to shop in nicer shops than look at an ugly old Walmart. So what if poor people can’t afford to shop there? The government will take care of them.

I’m voting Democrat because I would rather burn corn in my car than let some poor South American eat it. Just let them eat flour tortillas like real Americans.

I’m voting Democrat because I would rather people be unemployed than to have to work for less than a living wage. I mean, how can you justify letting anyone work for an unliving wage? It would bring on the zombie apocalypse.

I’m voting Democrat because I would rather live more comfortably now than worry about providing a legacy for my children. The little punks never call me anyways.

I’m voting Democrat because I think that we should cooperate with North Korea’s bomb program. They will probably just nuke the Japanese, we did that too, so we are no better than them. The Nips got over Nagasaki and Hiroshima quick enough last time.

I’m voting Democrat because I don’t think that someone should have to move just because some lender let them borrow too much money to buy a house that they couldn’t really afford. All their stuff is already there.

I’m voting Democrat because I want to change the corruption in Congress. All these shady deals and financial wrangling need to stop. The Democrats will take things back to a better time, when politicians were bought with cold cash and stayed bought.

I’m voting Democrat because it isn’t fair to make kids learn anything to graduate from school. They’re just kids.

I’m voting Democrat because I would rather have millions of Iraqis die than thousands of American volunteers. The news won’t show me pictures of Iraqis dying, and they should have been smart enough to be born in America anyways.

I’m voting Democrat because I think that we spend too much on the Navy. We haven’t gotten a Top Gun sequel yet, and it’s been like 20 years.

I’m voting Democrat because they are good with money. They can spend way more than they take in. The last time I tried that they repossessed my ‘vette.

I’m voting Democrat because we should stop wasting money on a Ballistic Missile Defense and spend more on research for things like Viagra. What good is it to survive a nuclear attack if you can’t get it up afterwards?

I’m voting Democrat because I want the rest of the world to like us. It makes me feel all ookey to that think there are people out that there don’t like us.

I’m voting Democrat because I hate George W. Bush. He’s always running around with his big ears, talking down to people and saying stupid stuff, like nucyoolar instead of nuclear and inhalator instead of inhaler.

I’m voting Democrat because I want to have my candidates decided by democratic primaries, not by shady backroom caucuses or by a bunch of party insiders.

I’m voting Democrat because I want to know that my president understands how horrible war is and what the costs are. Sure, he might not be a veteran himself, but he’s got a good imagination.

(Hat Tip)

IMAO: What an Obama Presidency Will Be

Frank J says,

Obama has been saying McCain will be Bush’s third term, and McCain has responded by saying Obama will be Carter’s second term. I think that’s a good rebuttal, but maybe there could be more creative analogies for an Obama term.

AN OBAMA PRESIDENCY WILL BE

Beavis and Butthead without Beavis

a lollipop on a windy day at the beach

a Corvette with a potato in the tailpipe

picante sauce made in NEW YORK CITY

Al Capone’s Vault

and…

the DKos first term.

Have you Ever?

Have you ever stared at a woman and tried to will her clothes off so hard that you were afraid you were going to hurt your brain?