The Everlasting Phelps

TRIGGER WARNING: This entire site will cause massive butthurt in any precious snowflake that needs a trigger warning for anything.

Russ Boils It Down

March 5th, 2013

“There are 300 million guns in this country.  The only way to get rid of them is to go door to door to door.

And you aren’t even going to do that.  You’re just going to go to door.”

Russ Martin on The Russ Martin Show

Quote of the Day

October 10th, 2011

“I don’t know why Congress thinks they can outsmart the banking industry.  Finance is their industry.  It’s obviously not yours — I’ve seen your budgets.”

Russ Martin, on the air.

Hey Dallas

December 16th, 2008

Whadayadoin?

We need to have a talk.

I know that you are freaked out.  I don’t understand that, because this happens every damned year.

It’s real simple.  Most of the country handles this just fine.

First, turn on your lights.  Okay?  People are more likely to run into you if they don’t even know you are there because they can’t fucking see you.

Yes, I know that the almanac says that the sun is up.  Yes, I know that you can see well enough to make out the stripes on the road and that should be enough for anyone.  Turn them on anyways, okay?  You should really have them on any time you are driving.  You should especially have them on when it is overcast, sleeting and snowing.

Second, forget that you have a brake pedal when you are anywhere near a bridge.  I know that you are only hitting it a little.  See, the problem is, since you are an asshat to start with, there’s fifteen people stacked up behind you, and each one has to hit it a little harder.  Which means I’m having to slam on my breaks at the end of the line because you are a fucking dipshit with no spine.  Drive over the goddamned bridge.  It might have a little ice on it.  It doesn’t have lava on it.  It is very difficult for both to be on the bridge at the same time.  It’s an engineering nightmare.

Third, turn on your fucking lights.

Fourth, we need to talk about that stuff.  You know, the stuff that suddenly appears and causes you to carreen in random directions screaming like a three year old girl being chased by a clown whenever you see it?  Including around the passenger compartment of your car?  That stuff is not radioactive fallout.  It isn’t a secret government nano-car destroyer project gone haywire.  It’s snow.  Your car won’t explode if it hits it.  It doesn’t coat the road with teflon.  Unless you can actually see it once it hits the road, you don’t need to worry about it.  In fact, it is damned near impossible that enough of it will ever fall in Dallas that you need to worry about it, at least not in our lifetimes.    When you see this snow, the correct proceedure is to act like it is raining.  I swear.

Fifth, turn your fucking lights ON you fucking GOON.

Sixth, if your lights still aren’t on, pull over to the side of the road and shoot yourself in the head.  If you don’t have a gun, find a bunny board and beat yourself to death.

Intellectual Discourse

June 21st, 2007

On a radio program that features:

  • Two radio professionals
  • A criminal defense lawyer
  • A licensed realtor
  • A psychologist
  • An oncologist, and
  • A urologist

The main subject of discourse so far this week? Using a dictaphone to record your farts.

I love this show.

RMS Pointers

April 3rd, 2007

If you are listening to the The Russ Martin Show and googled these phrases trying to figure out what is going on, here’s some pointers.

  • Sorry Man (as Elvis): Bubba Ho-Tep
  • Thank you, nice lady… nice ass.: Smokey and the Bandit
  • The Oh No A Negro Song: The song Clansmen play when they need help
  • I need unguent: Fargo
  • “This is the worst day of my life”: The last thing you think when you fall out of plane without a parachute
  • The closet at Dennys: One of the places Clo has woken up at after blacking out

If I think of more, I’ll list them.

Update:

  • Pinball Machine: The Accused
  • Cowpattie Daddy: Russ’ old CB Handle

The Everlasting Phelps

TRIGGER WARNING: This entire site will cause massive butthurt in any precious snowflake that needs a trigger warning for anything.