Whining about Wine

Trailer Park Girl has stumbled onto a feeling I’ve had once or twice.

OK, so, we just had our second wine training at the new restaurant, where the wine company representative brings a bunch of bottles and pours them into little cups for the staff to try, and tries to teach us all about the finer points of wine and wine service.

And I am here to tell you, I am feeling totally inadequate. NO I don’t taste the melon note! NO I don’t taste the banana note! (Banana!?) ***HELL NO*** I don’t taste the tobaccoey note! Clearly I do not know jack shit about anything under the sun, and am destined to fail as a server at my friend’s new restaurant, and give them a bad name in the process. Gahhh.

Calm down; have some dip.

I’m the same way. I remember what I like, but I don’t go out of my way to learn about wine, because quite frankly, I don’t have the money. I can certainly taste the differences, and even identify the tastes she is describing here, but a lot of Winos — I mean, Wine Afficianados who will hereafter be referred to as Winos — take the shit way too far.

“It’s so earthy!”

“Yeah, I kinda like the dirt taste.” (I really did, but they didn’t seem to like the phrase “dirt taste” nearly as much as “earthy.”

OK, I admit it. I’m jealous. Jealous because MY idea of wine tasting is differentiating between wines I would voluntarily drink the rest of the bottle of, and wines I wouldn’t piss out on my worst enemy. And I have to admit, even the latter, I would still drink if there were nothing else available and I really needed to catch a buzz.

One thing that I have learned is this is all that matters. Here is what you do. The most important part is to get someone else to pay for your learnin. Winos are great about this — they love to show how smart they are, so they will get you plowed just to have an excuse to buy another bottle and discuss why it is such a good buy. Use this to your advantage. Here’s the trick: “OK, smarty, anyone can come up with a good $100 bottle of Merlot. What’s the best $15 bottle of Merlot you can come up with?” Any Wino worth his cork collection will them spend $60 getting shitfaced to find out, and you don’t end up wasting your $15 when you go to the Wino store.

I’ve come up with a couple of good finds on this. One of them is Frog’s Leap — they seem to be pretty good on nearly any kind of wine. The best Merlot I’ve found for the money is Eagle’s Peak, which runs $9 a bottle here. Get a bunch of guns, a bottle of Merlot, head out on a 100 degree day, and see if the wine or the ammo runs out first. If you are doing it right, the wine runs out first, right about the time you realize that you are in no condition to keep shooting.

I don’t know about the “ripe plum and blackberry jam meld with creamy vanilla aromas, a touch of tobacco, spicy clove and cinnamon, and toasted oak”, but it is smooth and tasted good. Dry and tasty.

2 Comments

  1. dragonfly jenny says:

    Hola, thanks for the trackback and the good wine recs!
    Hey I’m an INTJ too.
    cheers to ya … [CLINK OF WINE GLASS]

  2. Phelps says:

    Being INTJ (or any NT Rational) would explain why you get worked up over not knowing a “should know.” You think that you should know this, and you are frustrated that it isn’t sinking in.I work with a paralegal that I think is an ENTP, and she was completely distraugt — as in, snot and tears — because she couldn’t figure out how to make a laptop come up on a projector are a seminar we were hosting. Never mind that this is something that is a “should know” for an AV guy like me but not for her — she decided that this is something she should know, and therefore worked herself up into a crying fit because she didn’t when she needed to.It was a simple fix, but an obscure one. Took me about three minutes after the fact.