Orange Alert

Civilization Calls has a public-service post on how to deal with the heightened terror alert. Although his advice is good, I don’t think it is succinct and sound-bitey enough for the general public. That is why I, your obedient servant, have put together a list of ten things that you can do to fight terrorism.

  1. Kill any terrorists you see. Gotta remember this one.
  2. If someone sends you a Christmas Card along with a big pile of white powder, don’t snort it. I know that a lot of your friends mail you cocaine in their Christmas Cards, but it could also be anthrax. Better safe than sorry. Mail it back to them next year. If it really is cocaine, they’ll be glad to get it back. If it is anthrax, serves them right.
  3. Eat lots of ham. First, it is Christmas, and Christmas is all about ham, pie, and presents. (And something about Jesus. I forget exactly how that works in.) Terrorists have some sort of phobia about pigs. If you smell like a nice honey-baked ham all the time, they won’t get close.
  4. Most people don’t know any terrorists. That means that if you see a guy and no one knows who he is, he is probably a terrorist.
  5. Oooooh, yeah. Who says the Germans aren’t helping to fight terrorism?
  6. There is no suggestion 6.
  7. The terrorists might try a dirty bomb. That means they use a bomb to spread radioactive stuff around and make you sick. Iodine is a cure for radiation. There is iodine in your table salt, so be sure to use extra salt while we are on high alert.
  8. Duct tape.
  9. Did I mention killing any terrorists you see?
  10. Be sure to have lots of emergency supplies. You don’t want to run out while there are still terrorists around.

There you go. See what happens when you stop posting, Frank J?

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