Things I’ve Learned

These are the things that I have learned from The Russ Martin Show. I didn’t write the first one, but I did write this one.

  1. Captain Stabbin is real.
  2. If you go to crappy Pleasant Grove schools you will be able to read just fine, but if you go to North Dallas schools you might just end up illiterate.
  3. Chicks don’t have prostrates, and it is probably illegal to check anyway.
  4. One batmobile is not enough.
  5. Larry North changed my life.
  6. Anything is more moving with backup singers.
  7. Rich kids eat lobster for their birthday.
  8. If she won’t wash it you don’t eat it.
  9. Everyone likes their own aroma.
  10. Don’t interrupt someone who is praying to Jesus.
  11. “Ass Sock” is a cool nickname.
  12. It never hurts to ask what you can get for about $200 as long as she doesn’t have to get up out of bed or wake up gooood.
  13. If it bleeds, Eddie can kill it.
  14. No one loves stepchildren.
  15. No matter how bad life gets, at least you’re not Dan Lewis.
  16. If everyone flashes their headlights when Loverboy is on the radio, it is kind of like the world is a disco.
  17. A TV show you do in your twenties can haunt you in your forties.
  18. Being dead is not an excuse for missing a radio gig.
  19. Getting my man gravy in your eyes is an honor, so shut your ass.
  20. No bit is too stupid for Birdface to steal it.
  21. Dead air is not incompatible with having a #1 radio show.
  22. Sauted onions are not spaghetti.
  23. You don’t have to choose between payola for toot, trips to New York, or a Good Times van — you can get all three.
  24. When you are as rich as Mark Cuban, you have your people roll houses for you.
  25. Once you set Eddie off, you pretty much just have to wait for it to pass.
  26. Chainsaws are the natural predator of office chairs.
  27. You dis the Russiah, you end up “on the beach”. He doesn’t do it — they just go together.
  28. Blank guns are fun.
  29. Eat that baby.
  30. Real Estate brokers aren’t radio producers.
  31. Syndication ruins a show.
  32. Don’t get arrested in Garland.
  33. That pool filter is a whore.
  34. Don’t be a meenie — don’t touch the weenie.
  35. Two legs are worth a chunky bar an a copy of Beaver Hunt.
  36. Wasps are a good reason to open fire.
  37. So are crappy computers.
  38. And mirrors.
  39. And Speed Racer cutouts.
  40. The fourth wall is for no-talent idiots.
  41. If you live by Russ, bulletproof walls are probably a good investment.
  42. You should have your friends arrested every couple of decades.
  43. If you don’t cut slits in the edge of your bologna, it curls up when you fry it.
  44. Even if you are living with your dad and setting tile for a living when you used to be on the radio, at least you aren’t Dan Lewis.
  45. Everett is just going to tell you that you need to hire an attorney, so why are you asking?, okay?
  46. It doesn’t do you any good to call a friend who has lost his voice any ways.
  47. Always have someone ready to call you in case a date goes bad.
  48. Don’t steal Craig Ludwig’s trash — he gets really pissed off.
  49. Treat every day like it is your last, because you are eventually going to run into Eddie.
  50. Put down the phone and argue with the toaster instead.

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