How to Not Be Seen

The Fire Ant Gazette had a list of ways to stay off camera if you don’t want to be seen in church (the reasons for which are a list of their own), but they were all pretty… low-grade evasive maneuvers. If everyone picks up on it, everyone will start doing it (maybe I should just do the other list) and the bar will be lowered. Here’s how to stay ahead of the crowd.

  • 10. Acquire some boils on your face. The more pus, the better.
  • 9. Grow a couple of horns someplace visible. Grow a few extra if you have spare time.
  • 8. Hump the pew in front of you.
  • 7. Make the sign to ward off evil eye whenever the camera turns to you.
  • 6. Ensure that there is no rod-sparing or child-spoiliing going on at that service.
  • 5. You know that nose picking? Finish the deed. You can get down to your mouth faster than they can cut away. I know, I’ve run switchers before. You show that bastard who’s boss.
  • 4. Sticking out someone else’s tongue at the camera.
  • 3. Tattoo pictures of Michael Moore on your forehead. (Swastikas haven’t been working to keep Charlie Manson off of TV, so we have to crank it up a notch on the offensiveness scale.)
  • 2. Full frontal nudity.
  • 1. Full frontal nudity, with jumping jacks.

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