Fatulance Part II

Revisiting a subject I tackled a year ago and has since earned a broken link, we now hear about the Downstate ambulance made for the obese. Get this:

A private emergency medical service plans to begin using an ambulance designed specifically to carry people who weigh 350 pounds or more.

When Jerry Key of American Medical Response began his career more than 30 years ago, he rarely dealt with patients weighing more than 500 pounds, he said.

These days, it is not unusual for the company to transport two or three patients a month who weigh up to 800 pounds, said Key, AMR’s vice president of operations.

Eight. Hundred. Pounds. Think about that. Think about how much you weigh now. Think about how many of you that is. I have a friend who is really really fat. Huge. He weighs almost 400 pounds. It would take more than two of him to get 800 pounds. Some elevators aren’t rated for more than 1000 pounds. That means that if you are a big guy, and you get on an elevator with this person, it might crash into the fucking basement.

Not only is it difficult, it can be dangerous to use a standard stretcher for severely obese patients, he said. Their weight can easily shift, causing the stretcher to tip over and injure patients or staff, he said.

To hell with them. They need a fall or two. Might scrape 20 or thirty pounds of meat off of them. I’m worried about the crew.

Obese patients are often carried to the ambulance on a large tarp and loaded in without being secured inside the vehicle.

“Think of taking a person who is really large, putting them on a tarp and dragging them onto the floor of an ambulance and now driving down the road. How safe is that?” Key said. “There’s no dignity in that at all.”

Hey, Key? They weigh 800 goddamned pounds. Any dignity they had has been smothered in the rolls of fat, okay? They don’t deserve any dignity.

Medical-equipment maker Stryker has developed a cot for severely obese patients and an ambulance equipped with a device that can load and unload patients, said Lee Turpen, clinical and educational services coordinator for American Medical’s East Region, which covers 25 states.

I bet you $5 that “device” is a winch. They are hauling these fat-asses in a glorified tow truck. They should just shove one of those U-Haul wheel things under their ass-cheeks and hook them up to the trailer hitch. “Hold on, tubby.”

Officials from Deaconess Hospital — which helped finance the project — and St. Mary’s Medical Center agreed there was a need for the service.

“We are seeing quite a few more people of size than what we have seen in the past,” said Jerrilee LaMar, manager of employee education and development at Deaconess. “It’s a steadily increasing trend and we have been making accommodations for their special needs for quite some time.”

Hey, Jerri, you stop treating them and you won’t see as many. We didn’t see them before because we didn’t have the science to keep their fat asses alive. Morbidly obese used to mean morbidly obese. What’s “morbidly” obese now? 1200 pounds? I guess if they can get 800 pound in the ambulance, it has to be more than that.

Nancy McCleary, executive director of education, LifeFlight helicopter and trauma at St. Mary’s, said valuable life-saving time can be lost during transport.

She said it used to take 10 or more people to lift patients off the floor of an ambulance and onto a hospital stretcher.

Both hospitals have new equipment and modified rooms to help accommodate large patients.

They include larger surgical and exam tables, longer and stronger surgical instruments, scales that can weigh up to 800 pounds, bedside commodes, larger blood pressure cuffs and stainless steel bedpans.

St. Mary’s also switched to a larger helicopter to transport patients who weigh 500 to 600 pounds, McCleary said

Good gawd. I don’t want my hospital to be able to treat these people. I want them to shape up or die. If they don’t fit on the surgical table, don’t give them the surgery. If they are too fat to sit on the commode without breaking it, then let them shit themselves.

If you are so goddamned fat that you weigh too much for the helicopter to carry you then you are too goddamned fat!!!


  1. Can this thing pull up to the drivethru first?

    Phelps had a post regarding the plight of the severely overweight. First they’re made to pay double on airlines just because they take up two seats, they’re socially ostracised, and now they’re being discrminated against in emergency medical attention….

  2. The Sicilian says:

    I love you.

  3. “stronger surgical instruments” – Chainsaws and Wet-Vacs.
    Rock on!

  4. Neil says:

    Holy Christ! I just laughed so hard that I think I just ruptured something internal.

  5. Alex says:

    There was a newspaper article I saw once about an 1100 pound man who got stuck in his bedroom. Emergency crews had to cut a hole in the side of the house and carry him out on a forklift. Seriously. The whole thing’s true. I can’t make that up.

  6. Michael says:

    Hospital transport, nothing… What about when they kick?
    A friend of mine used to be an embalmer’s apprentice. When things get hot in the California summer, these bastards start dropping like flies. Sometimes he had to pick ’em up.

    There is no misery like having to haul some fat fuck out of their filthy (usually lined with food wrappers and mouse shit) rooms in the hot and smelly summer.

    The biggest problem is the people who enable these fucks. If you weigh that much, you can’t get outta bed. Somebody has to bring you food.
    I say they need to tie a carrot to a string like a pinata and coach them to fitness “You can’t eat it until you do a fucking situp!”

  7. triticale says:

    I figure the proper vehicle for hauling such people would have an open back, in other words a flat-bed truck. It would then properly be called a flatulance.

  8. Spot On says:

    Bonfire of the Vanities #50

    I wasn’t sure what to expect doing the Bonfire, supposedly a collection of the internet’s worst posts, but to paraphrase Morrissey, some posts are better than others. Here they are, in order of receipt: Yaron at Daily Lunch loves Jane…