Wild Turkeys

Normally, my Wild Turkey problems come from a bottle, but according to The Colorado Conservative, Jersey folks are being chased by wild turkeys:

Unruly wild turkeys are causing problems for residents in Cranford, New Jersey. The Cranford police department says a 13-year-old girl was chased by a pack of the wild birds at the beginning of the month. In another incident, a letter carrier was forced to kill a bird with a stick when a group of turkeys surrounded his truck. Police also are fielding calls about other attacks. The incidents are happening in residential neighborhoods that border wooded areas. The area humane society is dealing with the problem.

You don’t need the Humane Society to deal with this. You need the Hunting Society to deal with this. Jersey is being overrun with deer first, and now violent turkeys. I can solve your turkey problem, guys. You send a dozen rednecks, and a dozen of these:


Problem solved. We have wild turkeys here in Texas. They aren’t chasing people. They are too busy trying to not be eaten.


  1. R says:

    Wild turkeys = teh pwn3d!

    I once won a bottle of Wild Turkey in an ultimate frisbee game/competition that went something like this:

    Each contestant would stand a distance away from a wooden target with the shape of a turkey cut out from it. Given three tries the player would have to throw the disc successfully through the hole. If the player was successful, he’d take a shot of whiskey and the line would be moved farther back, and so on and so forth.

  2. That’s just too good to be true. Surrounding a mail jeep?????? I want a link. Hell, I want pictures.

    Double-hell, I want to accept a shipment of Joisey wild turkeys. The ones we have are far too shy. I’ve seen one (1) this spring, and I’m not even sure I saw him.

  3. rae says:

    OH MY GOD-we have wild turkeys here in Monterey Bay and let me tell you-those sons of bitches are CRAZY!! I am seriously afraid of them!!

  4. TB says:

    R, lets drink tons of wild turkey together… and then play air guitar on the sunset strip.

    and then buy guns.

    and then go join the minute man project.

    Project Amerika!

  5. Oh Hell Naw! The other day I had wild Geese chase me around the damn golf course. Man they wanted to mess me up! Now I don’t know if they have teeth but I was not waiting around to find out. Man it was around 15 of them. if you hit one I think they make you pay a fine or something!

    Now I will not be able to sleep.

  6. Geese says:

    What’s that sucka? You say you want some mo’? I OWN YOU!!!!!!!

  7. Bingo MacGee says:

    What we are fogetting here is that the turkey was here before the white man came and usurped his lands and created a holiday specifically designed to thin the numbers of the original Natives. Essentially, the turkeys have fucking had enough. It is now time for the Turkey Resisistance to rise up and fight the white man! TURKEY POWER!

    They are starting in New Jersey simply because the ain’t got rednecks there.