Free Flowing Hostility

This is a list of people who deserve to be strangled with their own viscera while their genitalia is burned away with an iron set on “delicate.”

  • People who yell into the telephone. Hey, asshole, Alexander Graham Bell has been dead a long time. We’ve got this long-distance thing worked out. You don’t have to yell anymore. If you are under 40 and you yell, then you are a goddamned idiot, because you have never had to yell into the phone. It is harder to understand someone who is speaking too loudly than someone who is speaking too softly. If I could reach through the phone and rip your lungs out through your mouth then you would be wishing you could grow gills.
  • People who take corners downtown at 1.5 mph. Stay home. Really. If you can’t navigate a left turn from a one way onto a two way street at a pace fast enough to outrun the snot dribbling from your nose, then just stay home. If you absolutely have to go downtown, park on the outskirts and walk the rest of the way. You’ll save time. Better yet, take the bus. Just don’t bring your minivan downtown.
  • People who make fun of professional wrestling for being “fake”. Welcome to the 21st century. Our anthropologists would love to know what it is like in the 1970s, which is apparently where you are living. We know that wrestling is “fake,” okay? Ooh, look! Stone Cold Steve Austin is a big phoney! Steve Austin is a big phoney! Yeah, yeah. Everyone over the age of 10 who is watching the WWE knows that it is just a story. The same people who believe wresting is real also believe in the Easter Bunny. The only idiots involved in wrestling are the ones who think that the fans are the dupes. We aren’t dupes. We are participants.

    What the hell, do you go to a magic show and yell, “fake! Fake! He palmed the card!” Because it is the same thing. The fact of the matter is that every professional wrestler is a hell of an athlete who performs almost nightly a show that most circus performers would find too dangerous to even try. At least these guys aren’t acting like they are some sort of Holy and Pure Figure, Completely Untainted like Juice Palmiero and Corky Sosa.

  • People who still pay attention to old presidential candidates. Do you give a shit what Al Gore has to say? I don’t. John Kerry? Fuck him. Bob Dole? Take your Viagra and go bother Elizabeth. You lost. America broke up with you. It’s over. Get your albums and go back to your apartment before we get a restraining order.

    And Jimmy Carter should hurry up and die. You think he is a good man? Then why aren’t you helping to hurry him along to heaven? You know who is smart enough to shut the hell up? Bill Clinton. Take a hint from him. He got re-elected.

  • People who bitch about Fox News. I don’t mean people who don’t prefer Fox. I mean people for whom the very existence of Fox News is a constant source of anger. Look, there are dozens of major news agencies. You have choices. So do I. If I decide to watch Fox, it isn’t going to destroy the world. Fox News isn’t even “right wing”. It is slightly — slightly — right of center. The only reason it seems right wing is that all the rest of the TV news is far left to slightly left of center. “Fox News deserves my attention because it has high ratings.” Uh… if a news agency is pulling in half the total viewers… and the country is split about 50% Republican voting, 50% Democrat voting… and Fox News is “far right Republican TV”… then it stands to reason that the other 50% of the entire industry is “far left Democrat TV.”

    It’s a news channel. You have the entire rest of the industry. Stop getting so worked up.

  • People who go to Grand Openings. Bastards. What the hell is the big draw for Ikea? Yes, I get the utility of flat-packaged furniture at reasonable prices. You can wait a few days. When did the opening of the store turn into an event in and of itself? I love Cabelas. I really do. I’m not showing up to the “Grand Opening.” Because I have a triple digit IQ. I know you have been waiting sooooooo long to get Wal-Mart Supercenter right down the road. You can wait a couple more days. The new Arbys isn’t that big a deal.

    The whole damned things need to be nuked. One tactical thermonuclear device, right at the front door. Better yet, shove it up the ass of that bubble-headed bleach blonde that the local news sent out to cover the damned opening on live TV and then set if off. ARGHHHH!!!


  1. Bingo.MacGee says:

    Re: Ikea

    I just wish that all of the local news channels would just own up to the fact that Ikea paid them wads of cash to deluge us with “news” about a fucking furniture store opening when they should be fucking talking about Mike fucking Modano!


  2. Mexigogue says:

    When it gets cold I can just warm my hands on your hatred!

  3. Northe says:

    Arby’s? They stopped serving edible food a decade ago.

  4. Vivian Louise says:

    I’ll be over with Mexi warming my hands over the ever burning oil drum of your hate. Cheering you on of course. Again, great list!

  5. Phelps says:

    Arbys is teh r0x0r. What could be better than a guy getting up one day, and saying, “you know what I’m going to sell at my place? I’m gonna sell roast beef sandwiches.” And some douche says, “well, what are you going to put on them?” And the guy says, “Roast beef. What are you, a retard? What else do you need? It’s roast f-in beef.”