Halloween Rules

mASS BACKWARDS has a list of rules for Trick or Treaters, and I am going to ratify his rules and add some of my own:

RULE #1: Wear a Friggin’ Costume!

Do I look like a god-damn welfare office? Nothing’s free, my friends. If you are one of the 15-year-old losers that showed up on my front porch last year without even the slightest hint of a costume on, there will be no candy for you – Mr. Nice Guy is on sabbatical this year. Instead, you will receive a small pack of low-sodium, fat-free pretzels.

Got a problem with that? Go screw.

It’s simple, wear a costume that shows a modicum of planning and preparation on your part, and great riches await you. I’ve loaded up on 20-pound duffel bags of candy from Costco, and it’ll all be flying out the door tonight, provided you play along.

RULE #2: Parents, Don’t Disarm Your Children!

Pirates without cutlasses, soldiers without M-16’s, police officers without sidearms, and swordless Zorro’s will have their candy allotment reduced significantly. Sorry, kids, but you’ll have to take it up with your sissy parents. It’s my house, my rules.

Conversely, the children of parents who allow them to carry their weapons of doom and destruction will be showered with all sorts of unhealthy, rot-your-teeth-out crap.

Rule #3: Protect Your Sack

If you are over the age of six, and I still manage to scare you so badly that you drop your candy, I’m taking your candy. Sissy. I’ve done it before, and I’ll do it again. If you come back, I’ll sit the bag down three feet in front of me, and if you can nut up and snatch it back, I’ll let you get away with it. Only one kid has had the guts to do that, and she was a girl. Who cried a lot.

Chainsaws are GrrrrrrrrrrrEAT!!!

Rule #4: Say “Trick or Treat”

If you shove a bag at me and act like you are entitled to the product of my work, you will be sadly mistaken. If your child is too young to manage anything resembling “trick or treat”, then you should say it for them. And don’t let language be an excuse. I’m not grading pronunciation or enunciation. Just effort. “Treekor Tree” works for me. Especially if you roll one of the Rs. That always cracks me up. Laughing rednecks give more candy.

Parents, this is just plain manners. It is your job to teach your kids this crap. Just like it is your job to teach them to say Sir and Ma’am and Thank You. If they don’t, you failed.

Rule #5: Get your candy before you start talking smack

So the chainsaw isn’t real huh? What’s that roaring motor then? There’s no blade on it? Then why are you running? And are you a little old to be trick or treating or a little young to drive yourself trick or treating?

I actually had one kid say he was going to go home and get his gun and come back. Little did he know that I already had one behind my back in my waistband. And the candyass still didn’t come back. All I’m saying is if you are going to talk shit, you better get your candy first, because you will end up running away. Like the pansy you are.

(Via Unca)


  1. guy in the UNLV jacket says:

    Strict but fair

  2. Circa Bellum says:

    “Protect your sack.” Coach always used to say that…

  3. Mexigogue says:

    Last night someone was banging on my door and I was like WTF???? Then I remembered it was Halloween.