Coffee Vs Tea

Heard a good coffee rant lately? Me neither. Let’s have one, shall we?

I’ve actually cut back on my coffee. See, coffee has a rich tradition. The main reason that we drink coffee is that the English were greedy and the Americans were cheap. The English, back when they still screwed things up for us rather than leaving us to screw things up for ourselves, decided to gouge us a little more with an insane tax on tea. It is bad enough that our government taxes gasoline and liquor. Imagine if they taxed coffee. There would be people rioting in the streets. Which is damn near what happened when the English taxed tea. We dumped a lot of it in the bay (blamed the Indians) and then just stopped drinking it.

“Give me something as black as my heart and half as bitter!” they said, and we got coffee. Sweet, sweet coffee. But coffee does things to your body that you would be much better off doing with liquor and cigars. I mean, you only get to die once, so you have to ration out how you kill yourself. I like coffee because it gets me back to the “throw the bastards in the bay, to hell with the king and to hell with his taxes!” mentality that I love. Tea, on the other hand, has its own redeeming qualities. So I have replaced my afternoon coffee with twice as much afternoon tea.

Oh, the millions of indigenous peoples oppressed for tea. Your tears infuse every drop, and they are so, so sweet. Arrogant English Bastards (the purest, most sublime form of arrogant bastard, for which they should rightly be admired) fought the Dutch for centuries for the right to hold oppressive colonies all over the world to fuel a tea obsession. They trained the tea smugglers of the 18th century, who kept the tradition alive long enough to smuggle booze into America during prohibition, fuel the rise of the Mafia, and pass the tradition along to our current drug cartels.

But, as will all things, it is being subverted by hippies. First the Starbucks hippies corrupted coffee, and they are corrupting tea, too. They don’t carry a good brand like Bigelow or Twinnings at the drug store under our building, so I end up buying Tazo from Starbucks. Not only is it shit, but it is covered in hippie propaganda. The only saving grace is that hippies are smart enough to know when to stop and avoid me slaying them. They have all their cutesy names for their bullshit blends, like “Awake” and “Zen” and “Om” and “Horny” and “Calm”. But they don’t fuck with what I’m coming for. Earl Grey. He was a proper Victorian Bastard. He was the Victorian Era, some would say, with the Reform Act. He pissed off lots of chaps with that one, but he had such a nice tea that they didn’t kill him in a duel. And now, I can sit here and drink it and think of what it would have been like had I been born in Victorian England. And an aristocrat. And rich. And that they had proper toilets. Kinda like how Alex looks at the bible in A Clockwork Orange.

What am I saying? My people were Welsh and Irish. We would have gladly killed him for a farthing just for being English. I guess what I am trying to say, is that since I want my beverages to be based on the suffering of others and compatible with my personal general cussedness, tea will do just as well as coffee.


  1. Cosmic Siren says:

    Thanks a lot, dude. I can just see it now – right in the middle of my oral presentation tonight, I’m going to see someone sip from their cup of coffee, think of this post, and burst into uncontrollable laughter.

    You’re going to cost me an A. I hope you can live with yourself.

  2. Phelps says:

    I do it because you deserve it.

  3. Jim Darkness says:

    Starbucks is evil! They should rot in hell, those busty barristas with their tantalizing nectar squeezed from the pits of the greatest fruits Gaia had the pleasure of creating…


    (The above is funnier if you imagine it said by Stewie from “Family Guy”)

  4. HMT says:

    I’m as guilty as any other.

    A hot chick at Starbuck’s got me to try Tazo Chai tea, and now I’m all over it. Just the way she likes it too (2 teabags, touch of cream/honey). just the way she likes it in hopes that it will soon be just the way I LIKE it.


  5. Cosmic Siren says:


    I still blew them away! Not even a late ride to class and uncooperative computers could stop me.

    BOOYAH! Girlfriend gots it going on!

  6. Korgmeister says:

    Chai Tea, now that’s fabulous stuff.

    Have it with milk and chocolate covered Scotch Finger biscuits, that is the ultimate in tea indulgence.

  7. Mexigogue says:

    If I had my druthers I’d wake up either by chewing coca leaves. Either that or the qat they have in Yemen. Dracula-onian drug laws being as they are however I’ll settle for coffee. Black.

  8. Northe says:

    My dad is Scottish, fuck English hot-leaf water.

    My mom is Nicaraguan, fuck Columbian hot-bean water.

    I’m happy with my mystery Los Angeles water, thank you very much.

  9. Barbara C says:

    Earl Grey RULES!

    Earl Grey Supreme from Harney & Sons Rules SUPREME!

  10. Tazo Chai is crap. It tastes like nothing but cinnamon, when real masala chai (“chai” is just Hindu or something for “tea” — the masala is the spice mix) is made of a complex of other spices. The only one I’ve tasted that comes close to the nectar they serve in Indian restaurants is sold by a hippy-tea outfit called Rishi Teas. Otherwise you’re better off just looking up the ingredients and buying your own spices and mixing your own masala chai. Once you taste real chai you’ll throw out that Tazo garbage.

  11. HMT says:

    all yer readers know better Chai tea.

    fuck them.

    Phelpsie, post something new.. preferrably in response to the brawls at walmart during shopping season.

  12. Vivian Louise says:

    Oregon Chai is the best. Tazo just sucks all-around, too bitter, flavors overpower the tea and the tea’s just funky tasting. Republic of Tea is better. They also make a pear green tea that is out of this world.

    Earl Grey is a lovely tea, Twinings rocks. I’ve got a new tea love, Black Cherry Tea from St. Dalfour. Makes me all nipply just thinking about it.

  13. Linny says:

    well… I guess I could research and get you some numbers… but… suffice to say that I know a girl who served two and a half years in jail for manslaughter of her own daughter in a car accident she got in while high on mary-j-wanna (hit a tree) I’d imagine, if her daughter could speak, she’d tell you that she is a victim of her mother’s use of weed… but then again, the spin doctors like to say it wasn’t the weeds fault, it was the mamma’s fault… not for me to judge… but my opinions are based on personal experience with the “substances”

  14. Phelps says:

    Driving while impared is a crime totally seperate from imbibing substances. If she was high on model glue, the result would have been the same, but we don’t have a War On Model Glue going on. If it hadn’t been pot, it would have been booze. People are going to get inebriated — the question is whether or not we put them in jail or kill them (and others around them) trying to put them there.