How to Solve Illegal Immigration

I’ve been thinking about this whole illegal immigration thing. First of all, the problem isn’t that we have illegal immigrants. The problem is that we have too many of the wrong kind. Getting from Mexico to the US illegally is way, way too easy. I mean, think about it. When the Mexican government has to give you a comic book that tells you how to get to America (hint: Look for Starbucks) then you are too stupid to immigrate.

That’s the problem, people. We are getting too many low quality wetbacks. What we need are obstacles.

  1. Piranhas in the Rio Grande. Russ Martin came up with this years ago, and it is genius. Swimming to America should be an adventure. Remember all the Cubans who drown every year trying to float to America on piles of pancake syrup bottles tied to umbrellas? Why should Cubans have to do all that while Mexicans can just backstroke across the Rio Grande with impunity? Ricky Martin? I call shenanigans. Put piranhas in the Rio Grande. And set up traffic cams on a website, because we should get some entertainment for our tax dollars.
  2. Desert Warfare. Our Boys are going to be fighting in deserts for a while. The mission, for the most part, is finding brown people sneaking into American held territory. Hello? Mcfly? We have a training ground just south of Phoenix! Now I want you all to calm down. I’m not saying that we should shoot Mexicans on the southern border. That is why all the soldiers will be armed with non-lethal training weapons, like paintball guns. Rifles that shoot little .68 caliber paintballs, like I get shot with all the time. It doesn’t hurt that bad, and it would scare the hell out of the guys coming north. And you keep the rifles around so that the guys get live fire training when some dumbass coyote decides to shoot back. Plus, there would be a huge industry in creating 120mm paint cannons for tanks, 40mm paint chainguns, and Hellpaint missiles. (I bet you would love to work on that project, R. ) With that at our disposal, the Mexican government would stop giving them comic books and start giving them snorkels.
  3. Giant catapults. Well, trebuchets, if you want to be technical. See, deportation is too easy. You take a bus ride to the border, grab some of those kickass tacos, and then head right back across. We need to send them a little further in Mexico, but the Mexican government won’t let us. That is why we need catapults. Launch them 15, 20 miles into Mexico. Make them have to walk for a while. And you don’t have to do it just at the southern border. We have a big, big navy. Why should the Army and Marines and Air Force get all the paintball fun? Put trebuchets on a bunch of landing craft, sail up to the three mile limit, and give them a 20 mile toss. They’ll think twice before they decide on a northern vacation again. We can fling illegals back into Mexico from all sides.

See, what the illegals want more than anything is legitimacy. They want to be treated like equals, and, in all seriousness, they aren’t. They decided to take a shortcut, and they should be treated like the cheaters they are. In a hilarious way. If you can’t have fun with a foriegn government sponsored invasion of America by a hypocritical enemy that lambastes us for taking mediocre measures that are magnitudes more lenient than what they themselves practice and instead plan a long term effort to weaken and loot its neighbor, well, you can’t have fun with anything.


  1. Mexigogue says:

    I like your catapault idea. I don’t know why.

    By the way my mom didn’t like the piranhas in the Rio Grande idea. Even after I explained to her that they would put up warning signs with a red circle with a line through it and showing a sombrero with a bite mark taken out of it. Go figure.

  2. we need a wall with flame throwers, missle launchers, hotels and upscale shopping