If Bearing Arms Was Just Another Right

Posts like this make me wonder how we got to the point that we have on gun control. I really don’t think that Robyn hates gun owners (any more than I hate reporters). She just has a very skewed and uninformed outlook. I am pretty sure that she has never held a gun. I’m pretty sure that Die Hard is as close as she has ever gotten. Just that would make her positions like a medieval illiterate peasant opining on freedom of the press. But it isn’t that simple. In addition to complete illiteracy, she has also been fed a one-sided horror story her entire life. That’s like asking the medieval illiterate peasant what he thinks of freedom of the press after he has spent his entire life listening to the priest tell him about how tomes are full of black magic and used by witches to conjure up demons.

But what if we treated other enumerated rights like we do bearing arms?

  • Because of the potential for riots, all assemblies must occur in approved areas. Cities shall have the right to prohibit assemblies inside their incorporated areas since riots occur almost always in urban areas. Anytime three or more people assemble in public, the police will treat it like a riot and use riot-appropriate force until they are able to separate everyone involved.
  • Because of religiously motivated crimes and terrorism, all religion may only be practiced in public by properly licensed and tested people. Religions that most people think have a high potential for fostering violence will require extensive background testing, punitive taxes and periodic inspections by the Bureau of Images, Religion and Media. You can practice your religion in your home as long as no one sees you, and all of your religious items are properly serial numbered and you have pass a background check to buy them.
  • Due to extensive libel, the press shall be regulated more closely. All paper has to be serial numbered and all paper dealers have to keep records of paper purchases. States will have the ability to require people to obtain licenses to possess paper, and municipalities and states will have the right to prohibit the use or possession of paper in their jurisdictions. Anyone who manufactures paper without a license has committed a felony. Because of problems with tracking ink back to individual users, all ink in California is now required to have a unique chemical tracer added. No ink can be manufactured or imported into California until the industry figures out how to do this.
  • Because of notes left by people committing suicide, no one with a history of mental illness will be allowed to purchase or possess pens or paper. To enforce this, all stores selling pens or paper are required to conduct instant background checks on all purchases. Purchasers will be required to show ID and fill out government forms listing the serial numbers of the paper purchased and swearing to no history of mental illness and no felony convictions. Failures by the seller to properly maintain these records will be punishable as a felony and will result in permanently revoking their license to deal in paper.
  • Government lawyers, in re-examining the Third Amendment, point out that it specifies “No Soldier shall” be quartered in people’s homes. The government immediately begins quartering sailors, airmen, and civilian contractors in private residences.

What else can we improve by treating like we do firearms?

6 Comments

  1. […] Phelps righteous fisking: Due to extensive libel, the press shall be regulated more closely. All paper has to be serial numbered and all paper dealers have to keep records of paper purchases. States will have the ability to require people to obtain licenses to possess paper, and municipalities and states will have the right to prohibit the use or possession of paper in their jurisdictions. Anyone who manufactures paper without a license has committed a felony. Because of problems with tracking ink back to individual users, all ink in California is now required to have a unique chemical tracer added. No ink can be manufactured or imported into California until the industry figures out how to do this. […]

  2. gattsuru says:

    Because of their extensive and recorded history of being used as the weapons of psychologically unfit individuals, anyone who wishes to worship will need to pass a full background check. This background check will require that the hopeful worshipper have no previous felony convictions, no misdemeanors that could possibly be seen as violent, and no mental illnesses.

    Intent to discuss, start, or hold in regard any religion will be seen as evidence of a mental illness, and the only reason there’d be a chance to pass the background check is that the psych system’s paperwork sucks.

  3. anon says:

    Of course you would also need ‘one sheet of paper a month’ laws! And because small sheets of paper are so easy to conceal, I think anything smaller than a 3×5 card should require registration and a $200 tax. Anyone wishing to buy a ream of paper will require a printers license, after paying a suitable [yearly] fee for said license and undergoing a background check. Then, of course, because paper is HIGHLY flammable anyone wishing to store paper in their home or office should be subject to ‘safe storage’ requirements (won’t SOMEBODY think of the children?). Given the possibility of paper cuts, anyone wishing to carry paper in public should be required to have suitable government approved training, at their personal expense – after all, with necrotizing fasciitis out there waiting to infect any cut we must protect the public (if it saves just one life you know…). Of course, even if we did all this, there would still be ‘progressives’ out there whining and complaining about the ‘parchment loophole’ and demanding further legislation to put limits on ink cartridge capacity. Clearly anyone needing an ink cartridge over 10 pico-litres is up to no good.

  4. anon says:

    And I forgot about mechanical pencils! Dear God, I can’t imagine how anyone could justify needing a semi-automatic pencil with multiple leads in the shaft. It’s just plain irresponsible to allow just anyone to own such things. For the love of everything that is holy, someone could poke an eye out!

  5. Vivian says:

    You will need to add laws addressing the use of paper napkins, paper towels and toilet paper since they can be used for nefarious purposes, like jotting down brilliant ideas in a restaurant.

    Also, blood, lemon juice and other non-ink liquids that can be used as ink substitutes should be regulated to assure proper use only.

    Pen safetys will need to be invented and then their required use encoded into the law.

    Feathers from poultry will need to be numbered, collected and destroyed since they can be formed into rudimentary pens.

    Crayons and construction paper would have to be banned from airplanes as they could be used to form notes to the pilot. Coloring Books would need to be regulated as well.

  6. anon says:

    I’ve been trying for two days to think of how to humorously destroy the 4th in the same manner as above…but sadly, the phalanx of three letter agencies have already done that much as they have with the 2nd.