for the win

Q & O have a piece up about the “problem” with winning the war. (And as they have done, I want to point out that the war is not yet won and can still be lost. Just that people are planning for that eventuality.)  The problem is that certain Democratic thinkers are worried about how they will fare if the war is won, after they have called it a mistake for so long.  America loves a winner.  Everyone remembers this from Full Metal Jacket:

Pogue Colonel: Whose side are you on, son?
Private Joker: Our side, sir.
Pogue Colonel: Don’t you love your country?
Private Joker: Yes, sir.
Pogue Colonel: Then how about getting with the program? Why don’t you jump on the team and come on in for the big win?

The only problem is that they are afraid that it is too late.  And to that, I say that they are just lacking in creativity.  That is why I decided, because I love my country, to tell them how to turn these lemons into lemonade.

  • First, claim that the war is being won because the terrorists want us to win.  See, Osama and George W. Bush were in together all along.  Everyone knows that what really happened was that Bush filled planes with government plants, landed those planes, gave everyone new identities to fake their deaths, launched radio controlled planes into the WTC, and then read a book about Billy Goats while all this was going on.  Therefore, if Osama said he did it, it is because he is in on it.  Therefore, the terrorists are willing to do what they need to (including dying by the tens of thousands in Iraq) to keep Bush in office.  Since it looked like the war was becoming unpopular in the US, the terrorists decided to let us win.
  •  If they don’t believe that, tell the sheeple that the only reason that things turned around was because you fought so hard against the war that Bush tried double-plus hard to win.  See, we were only giving 90% before, but since you threatened to shut the war down half done, Bush gave 110% and got it done.  If you hadn’t been making those threats, he would have spent his whole term cutting brush in Crawford and wouldn’t have gotten anything done.
  • If that doesn’t work, claim that it was all one big false flag operation.  See, anyone with half a brain knows that if you set a timetable for withdrawal, the terrorists will just sit tight until the time is up, and then go absolutely ape on the people left with no protection.  So the Democrats had a cunning plan to make the terrorists think that timetable was coming any day now, which made the terrorists just hunker down and wait instead of being all terroristy, which made it easier for our guys to hunt them down.

See?  Three easy steps, and you can claim that you won the war.  I frankly don’t give a shit who claims the victory.  I just want to win.  And have lots of dead terrorists.

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