Hey Dallas


We need to have a talk.

I know that you are freaked out.  I don’t understand that, because this happens every damned year.

It’s real simple.  Most of the country handles this just fine.

First, turn on your lights.  Okay?  People are more likely to run into you if they don’t even know you are there because they can’t fucking see you.

Yes, I know that the almanac says that the sun is up.  Yes, I know that you can see well enough to make out the stripes on the road and that should be enough for anyone.  Turn them on anyways, okay?  You should really have them on any time you are driving.  You should especially have them on when it is overcast, sleeting and snowing.

Second, forget that you have a brake pedal when you are anywhere near a bridge.  I know that you are only hitting it a little.  See, the problem is, since you are an asshat to start with, there’s fifteen people stacked up behind you, and each one has to hit it a little harder.  Which means I’m having to slam on my breaks at the end of the line because you are a fucking dipshit with no spine.  Drive over the goddamned bridge.  It might have a little ice on it.  It doesn’t have lava on it.  It is very difficult for both to be on the bridge at the same time.  It’s an engineering nightmare.

Third, turn on your fucking lights.

Fourth, we need to talk about that stuff.  You know, the stuff that suddenly appears and causes you to carreen in random directions screaming like a three year old girl being chased by a clown whenever you see it?  Including around the passenger compartment of your car?  That stuff is not radioactive fallout.  It isn’t a secret government nano-car destroyer project gone haywire.  It’s snow.  Your car won’t explode if it hits it.  It doesn’t coat the road with teflon.  Unless you can actually see it once it hits the road, you don’t need to worry about it.  In fact, it is damned near impossible that enough of it will ever fall in Dallas that you need to worry about it, at least not in our lifetimes.    When you see this snow, the correct proceedure is to act like it is raining.  I swear.

Fifth, turn your fucking lights ON you fucking GOON.

Sixth, if your lights still aren’t on, pull over to the side of the road and shoot yourself in the head.  If you don’t have a gun, find a bunny board and beat yourself to death.


  1. R says:

    Yeah, I have to give my town “The Talk,” too when it comes to the same shit.

  2. mexigogue says:

    The worst part about it is the person who causes the accident by unnecessarily hitting their brake usually doesn’t even get in the accident he caused and gets to drive safely away thinking everybody else is an idiot.

  3. Leila says:

    97% of people that hit a patch of ice in their car say, “oh, shit.” The other 3% live in Michigan and they say, “Hey, hold my beer a sec, watch this!”

    Also note: We have snow for half the year here and should be used to it… we still drive like shit.

    P.S. we don’t need to turn on our damn lights, you can see us by the 5 dvd players mounted inside our ride.