For Rachil Lukis

For those who don’t know Rachil Lukis is a blogger who has been living in all sorts of foreign countries (meaning, outside of Texas) for the last four years and she’s finally coming back to God’s Country.  So I’m taking it upon myself to bring her back up to speed on Dallas.

First, we have beer now.  Not just Shiner.  Lots of beer.  Ridiculous amounts of ridiculously good beer.  This is my favorite yella beer right now, Deep Ellum Brewery’s Dallas Blonde (Goes down easy!):


The very very very best beer right now is Peticolas Velvet Hammer.  I do love love love this beer.  The name is exactly what it is.


I don’t have a picture of the bottle because it doesn’t come in bottles.  Why?  Because fuck you we’re Peticolas, that’s why.  You don’t have to worry, though, because we can get growlers of it at Whole Foods now, or even better at Craft and Growler. Which is also new.


It’s not just beer though.  We have new food too.  We have In ‘N’ Out!  You missed all the insanity of the opening, but you can still get the burgers.  I’ll help you out, “Double Double Animal Style and a Root Beer float.”  Don’t worry that none of that is on the menu, they’ll know what you want.  But when you want a really good burger go to Off Site Kitchen on Wycliff and Industrial.  (Parts of Industrial are now “Riverfront” or some BS but it will always be Industrial as long as I’m alive, just like how “Medical Center” will always be Motor St.)


They are all good.  That’s the Stock Cheese and it’s only $3.75.  Baffling.

They are finally done with Central Expressway, which means it is time to demolish LBJ and make it unnavigable, which they have done.

Love Field is all new and jacked up.  The State Fair is still awesome.  They are running out of things to dump in deep fryers.  You can buy beer all over the city of Dallas now, and Plano is selling liquor.  John Wiley Price is still going to be getting charged with being a goddamned criminal any day now.  Democrats are still crying babies that can’t shut up about hating GWB even though he hasn’t been president for like 25 years.  It’s still hot.  We have a fake suspension bridge named after a rich old white woman now, which is some sort of huge accomplishment for Oak Cliff. EBJ is still in office and still a moron.

If you have any questions I’ll answer them.


  1. That suspension bridge cracks me up every time I see it. I’m used to the Bay Bridge over the Chesapeake, the suspension bridge in Dallas goes over a “river” I can jump. hahahahaha!

    Off Site Kitchen is nothing to scoff at, though, srsly. And Velvet Hammer is worth the hangover. Drink it! Drink LOTS OF IT.

  2. gus says:

    that river gets huge when it rains. And that is like NEVER. At least to my memory. Please turn on the rain taps.

  3. Charlotte says:

    Mr or Mrs Phelps, speak to us next of that other great culinary delight, Texas barbecue. I’ve heard that 3 Stacks Smoke & Tap House out in Frisco is sublime. Also, what percentage of Texans, would you say, actually wear Stetsons?

  4. Phelps says:

    Dallas is kind of a BBQ desert. You need to go further south like Lockhart to get good BBQ.

    As for the Stetsons, probably 30%. I, for example, prefer Resistol.

  5. Charlotte says:

    One a.m local time and here, I am educating myself about the differences between the various Western style hats. It’s all quite fascinating, and I’ve even tracked down a local supplier of Resistols, Bailey, and Stetsons here in South Africa. Evidently, Stetsons were worn by Canadian troops during the Boer War, and became popular with locals after Baden Powell, who started the Scouts, had 10 000 hats imported into South Africa in the early 1900s
    Regarding BBQ restaurants, they too are wildly popular here, one of South Africa’s largest restaurant chains, Spur, specialises in this type of cuisine. Every restaurant in the chain has a Western or Texas theme, our local branch, for instance, is called the San Antonio Spur.
    Oh, and C&W music is extremely popular here too.

  6. Phelps says:

    It’s not surprising that our cultures appeal to each other. Both were frontiers settled by white people of dubious motivation, who both adopted local custom and had running “disputes” with the natives. Of course, my knowledge of South Africa is limited to eating in Shebeen style restaurants and watching Breaker Morant over and over (even though that’s more about Australians, whatever.)

    I do like the cars with flamethrowers attached, though. I’m still looking for someone here who can install those.

  7. Charlotte says:

    South Africans helped develop the CT scan and performed the first heart transplant, now we’re famous for flamethrower cars and anti-rape tampons. How cool is that!

  8. mikethegrate says:

    Sad to say, but the best BBQ that I get in DFW usually comes from the Rudy’s in Allen. Somehow they are the most consistently good brisket (my standard for a BBQ joint) in town.

    I second the motion that Velvet Hammer is the best beer going in DFW right now, though I’d wager the Imperial Texan out of Martin House (new brewery in Fort Worth on the banks of the Trinity) comes in a close second.

  9. Rachel Lucas says:

    Now I can’t wait to get back to DFW even more than before. The Peticolas Velvet Hammer, in particular, is calling to me.

    And In-N-Out?!? Seriously? I’ve heard Californians rave about that place my whole life and thought I’d never get to find out what the big deal is. Now I will! NOM.

    Thanks for the tips, Phelps. I can’t wait to get back there. One week from today! Wooooo

  10. Anti-rape tampons…Sort of a vaginal flamethrower….with teeth. Terrifying.

    As a transplanted Texan from the Mid-Atlantic, the best barbecue I’ve had was at Coopers in Llano. OMG!!!! We got the leavings, end of the day meat and the brisket was unbelievable. So juicy. In Maryland all the BBQ is either really just cook-out or pit-beef. A good pit-beef sammich is best enjoyed on the beach in Ocean City with Boardwalk Fries while sand creeps up your butt. Lots of horseradish and malt vinegar. Then you just go rinse in the surf. Texas barbecue is so completely different than Maryland barbecue. Deliciously so.

  11. someotherknight says:

    As a former Corpus Christi-an (-ite?) who has been in CA for 24 years now, I can tell you In-n-Out doesn’t hold a candle to Whataburger. Man, I really miss that place.

  12. kristin says:

    Phelps you left off Mike Anderson’s on Harry Hines. Also congratulations to you and the Mrs.

  13. Phelps says:

    Thank you thank you. (I’ll be glad when we are finally done with thank you notes.)

  14. Scott says:

    Dallas is not a BBQ desert as long as Baker’s Ribs keeps the lights on. I defy you to find a better pork rib in the country. And the brisket is excellent, if you’re a beef man & frown on the hog.

    I’ve got to get to that Off Site.

  15. Phelps says:

    Bah. Bakers is shit compared to the Rendezvous in Memphis.

  16. Scott says:

    “Shit” is a pretty strong term, and I’ll have to take your word for it.