Perspective
Things that are a relevant and topical as Duncan Sheik:
- Pagers
- Compuserve
- “Run Forrest Run!” jokes
- The American Motors Corporation
- Uncle Jesse from Full House
- Slap Bracelets
- Crazy Taxi
"Beware the fury of a patient man."
Archive for the ‘Phelps’ Lists’ Category.
Things that are a relevant and topical as Duncan Sheik:
mASS BACKWARDS has a list of rules for Trick or Treaters, and I am going to ratify his rules and add some of my own:
RULE #1: Wear a Friggin’ Costume!
Do I look like a god-damn welfare office? Nothing’s free, my friends. If you are one of the 15-year-old losers that showed up on my front porch last year without even the slightest hint of a costume on, there will be no candy for you – Mr. Nice Guy is on sabbatical this year. Instead, you will receive a small pack of low-sodium, fat-free pretzels.
Got a problem with that? Go screw.
It’s simple, wear a costume that shows a modicum of planning and preparation on your part, and great riches await you. I’ve loaded up on 20-pound duffel bags of candy from Costco, and it’ll all be flying out the door tonight, provided you play along.
RULE #2: Parents, Don’t Disarm Your Children!
Pirates without cutlasses, soldiers without M-16’s, police officers without sidearms, and swordless Zorro’s will have their candy allotment reduced significantly. Sorry, kids, but you’ll have to take it up with your sissy parents. It’s my house, my rules.
Conversely, the children of parents who allow them to carry their weapons of doom and destruction will be showered with all sorts of unhealthy, rot-your-teeth-out crap.
If you are over the age of six, and I still manage to scare you so badly that you drop your candy, I’m taking your candy. Sissy. I’ve done it before, and I’ll do it again. If you come back, I’ll sit the bag down three feet in front of me, and if you can nut up and snatch it back, I’ll let you get away with it. Only one kid has had the guts to do that, and she was a girl. Who cried a lot.
Chainsaws are GrrrrrrrrrrrEAT!!!
If you shove a bag at me and act like you are entitled to the product of my work, you will be sadly mistaken. If your child is too young to manage anything resembling “trick or treat”, then you should say it for them. And don’t let language be an excuse. I’m not grading pronunciation or enunciation. Just effort. “Treekor Tree” works for me. Especially if you roll one of the Rs. That always cracks me up. Laughing rednecks give more candy.
Parents, this is just plain manners. It is your job to teach your kids this crap. Just like it is your job to teach them to say Sir and Ma’am and Thank You. If they don’t, you failed.
So the chainsaw isn’t real huh? What’s that roaring motor then? There’s no blade on it? Then why are you running? And are you a little old to be trick or treating or a little young to drive yourself trick or treating?
I actually had one kid say he was going to go home and get his gun and come back. Little did he know that I already had one behind my back in my waistband. And the candyass still didn’t come back. All I’m saying is if you are going to talk shit, you better get your candy first, because you will end up running away. Like the pansy you are.
(Via Unca)
This is a list of people who deserve to be strangled with their own viscera while their genitalia is burned away with an iron set on “delicate.”
What the hell, do you go to a magic show and yell, “fake! Fake! He palmed the card!” Because it is the same thing. The fact of the matter is that every professional wrestler is a hell of an athlete who performs almost nightly a show that most circus performers would find too dangerous to even try. At least these guys aren’t acting like they are some sort of Holy and Pure Figure, Completely Untainted like Juice Palmiero and Corky Sosa.
And Jimmy Carter should hurry up and die. You think he is a good man? Then why aren’t you helping to hurry him along to heaven? You know who is smart enough to shut the hell up? Bill Clinton. Take a hint from him. He got re-elected.
It’s a news channel. You have the entire rest of the industry. Stop getting so worked up.
The whole damned things need to be nuked. One tactical thermonuclear device, right at the front door. Better yet, shove it up the ass of that bubble-headed bleach blonde that the local news sent out to cover the damned opening on live TV and then set if off. ARGHHHH!!!
So the AFI’s Top 100 Movie Quotes is out. I just wanted to say that I think they are FOS. Here’s my top 10:
Now those are memorable movie quotes from memorable movies.
To start shit with HMT, here’s 10 Reasons Why Kurt Russell is a better Action Star than Arnold.
Kim du Toit links to Rodger Schultz’s 10 Worst Americans, describing them as people who’s death at infancy would have had a salutary effect on the nation’s health. I think I’ll join in, although my list is much more holistic. Take a look at his, and then mine.
After he was president, he went on violate the Logan Act on a regular basis by failing to negotiate peace in Bosnia (result: genocide), failing to negotiate peace with the PLO (result: terrorism), failing to negotiate with North Korea (result: likely nuclear power with poofy-haired madman holding the trigger), and failing to negotiate peace with Saddam (result: Saddam getting punched in mouth and dragged out of spider hole. Okay, I’ll give him that one.) He was also awarded the Nobel Peace Prize in 2002, which is only relevant in the sense that it had already been awarded to Kofi Annan (embezzling overseer of U.N. Rapists) and Yassir Arafat (bodyguard buggering murderer, terrorist, embezzler, and dictator) and Nelson Mandela (buddy of Castro and Ghadaffi and failed armed rebel who’s main accomplishment was getting thrown in jail.)
And, he was a shitty scientist. See #2.
Sagan was a proponent of the Drake Equation. I’ll grant that it is an interesting intellectual exercise, and even hold the logic to be sound. However, I wouldn’t present it as scientific evidence. Sagan did. Sagan was a proponent of the idea of Nuclear Winter. Nuclear Winter was, in scientific terms, “Bullshit”. It was a lie born of political belief, and that is something I cannot forgive in a scientist. Sagan was a proponent of Skepticism, which seeks to throw the scientific method (proof is proof) out and instead supports having a double-standard for things that he and his atheist buddies find distasteful. He coined the phrase, “Extraordinary claims require extraordinary proof,” which is the most anti-scientific phrase I can conceive of.
Sherman murdered, plundered, and burned out his own countrymen. The Civil War started a trend of treating Americans as subjects rather than citizens (leading directly, in my mind, to the modern atrocities like The Branch Davidian Massacre in Waco) that has grown all the way up to modern times.
In more Russblogging, I decided that since the Wheel of Punishment hasn’t been renovated in a while, perhaps I could come up with 10 Things that Aren’t on the Wheel of Punishment But Should Be.