The Everlasting Phelps

Things that are a relevant and topical as Duncan Sheik:

• Pagers
• Compuserve
• “Run Forrest Run!” jokes
• The American Motors Corporation
• Uncle Jesse from Full House
• Slap Bracelets
• Crazy Taxi

mASS BACKWARDS has a list of rules for Trick or Treaters, and I am going to ratify his rules and add some of my own:

RULE #1: Wear a Friggin’ Costume!

Do I look like a god-damn welfare office? Nothing’s free, my friends. If you are one of the 15-year-old losers that showed up on my front porch last year without even the slightest hint of a costume on, there will be no candy for you – Mr. Nice Guy is on sabbatical this year. Instead, you will receive a small pack of low-sodium, fat-free pretzels.

Got a problem with that? Go screw.

It’s simple, wear a costume that shows a modicum of planning and preparation on your part, and great riches await you. I’ve loaded up on 20-pound duffel bags of candy from Costco, and it’ll all be flying out the door tonight, provided you play along.

RULE #2: Parents, Don’t Disarm Your Children!

Pirates without cutlasses, soldiers without M-16’s, police officers without sidearms, and swordless Zorro’s will have their candy allotment reduced significantly. Sorry, kids, but you’ll have to take it up with your sissy parents. It’s my house, my rules.

Conversely, the children of parents who allow them to carry their weapons of doom and destruction will be showered with all sorts of unhealthy, rot-your-teeth-out crap.

Rule #3: Protect Your Sack

If you are over the age of six, and I still manage to scare you so badly that you drop your candy, I’m taking your candy. Sissy. I’ve done it before, and I’ll do it again. If you come back, I’ll sit the bag down three feet in front of me, and if you can nut up and snatch it back, I’ll let you get away with it. Only one kid has had the guts to do that, and she was a girl. Who cried a lot.

Chainsaws are GrrrrrrrrrrrEAT!!!

Rule #4: Say “Trick or Treat”

If you shove a bag at me and act like you are entitled to the product of my work, you will be sadly mistaken. If your child is too young to manage anything resembling “trick or treat”, then you should say it for them. And don’t let language be an excuse. I’m not grading pronunciation or enunciation. Just effort. “Treekor Tree” works for me. Especially if you roll one of the Rs. That always cracks me up. Laughing rednecks give more candy.

Parents, this is just plain manners. It is your job to teach your kids this crap. Just like it is your job to teach them to say Sir and Ma’am and Thank You. If they don’t, you failed.

Rule #5: Get your candy before you start talking smack

So the chainsaw isn’t real huh? What’s that roaring motor then? There’s no blade on it? Then why are you running? And are you a little old to be trick or treating or a little young to drive yourself trick or treating?

I actually had one kid say he was going to go home and get his gun and come back. Little did he know that I already had one behind my back in my waistband. And the candyass still didn’t come back. All I’m saying is if you are going to talk shit, you better get your candy first, because you will end up running away. Like the pansy you are.

(Via Unca)

This is a list of people who deserve to be strangled with their own viscera while their genitalia is burned away with an iron set on “delicate.”

• People who yell into the telephone. Hey, asshole, Alexander Graham Bell has been dead a long time. We’ve got this long-distance thing worked out. You don’t have to yell anymore. If you are under 40 and you yell, then you are a goddamned idiot, because you have never had to yell into the phone. It is harder to understand someone who is speaking too loudly than someone who is speaking too softly. If I could reach through the phone and rip your lungs out through your mouth then you would be wishing you could grow gills.
• People who take corners downtown at 1.5 mph. Stay home. Really. If you can’t navigate a left turn from a one way onto a two way street at a pace fast enough to outrun the snot dribbling from your nose, then just stay home. If you absolutely have to go downtown, park on the outskirts and walk the rest of the way. You’ll save time. Better yet, take the bus. Just don’t bring your minivan downtown.
• People who make fun of professional wrestling for being “fake”. Welcome to the 21st century. Our anthropologists would love to know what it is like in the 1970s, which is apparently where you are living. We know that wrestling is “fake,” okay? Ooh, look! Stone Cold Steve Austin is a big phoney! Steve Austin is a big phoney! Yeah, yeah. Everyone over the age of 10 who is watching the WWE knows that it is just a story. The same people who believe wresting is real also believe in the Easter Bunny. The only idiots involved in wrestling are the ones who think that the fans are the dupes. We aren’t dupes. We are participants.

  What the hell, do you go to a magic show and yell, “fake! Fake! He palmed the card!” Because it is the same thing. The fact of the matter is that every professional wrestler is a hell of an athlete who performs almost nightly a show that most circus performers would find too dangerous to even try. At least these guys aren’t acting like they are some sort of Holy and Pure Figure, Completely Untainted like Juice Palmiero and Corky Sosa.

• People who still pay attention to old presidential candidates. Do you give a shit what Al Gore has to say? I don’t. John Kerry? Fuck him. Bob Dole? Take your Viagra and go bother Elizabeth. You lost. America broke up with you. It’s over. Get your albums and go back to your apartment before we get a restraining order.

  And Jimmy Carter should hurry up and die. You think he is a good man? Then why aren’t you helping to hurry him along to heaven? You know who is smart enough to shut the hell up? Bill Clinton. Take a hint from him. He got re-elected.

• People who bitch about Fox News. I don’t mean people who don’t prefer Fox. I mean people for whom the very existence of Fox News is a constant source of anger. Look, there are dozens of major news agencies. You have choices. So do I. If I decide to watch Fox, it isn’t going to destroy the world. Fox News isn’t even “right wing”. It is slightly — slightly — right of center. The only reason it seems right wing is that all the rest of the TV news is far left to slightly left of center. “Fox News deserves my attention because it has high ratings.” Uh… if a news agency is pulling in half the total viewers… and the country is split about 50% Republican voting, 50% Democrat voting… and Fox News is “far right Republican TV”… then it stands to reason that the other 50% of the entire industry is “far left Democrat TV.”

  It’s a news channel. You have the entire rest of the industry. Stop getting so worked up.

• People who go to Grand Openings. Bastards. What the hell is the big draw for Ikea? Yes, I get the utility of flat-packaged furniture at reasonable prices. You can wait a few days. When did the opening of the store turn into an event in and of itself? I love Cabelas. I really do. I’m not showing up to the “Grand Opening.” Because I have a triple digit IQ. I know you have been waiting sooooooo long to get Wal-Mart Supercenter right down the road. You can wait a couple more days. The new Arbys isn’t that big a deal.

  The whole damned things need to be nuked. One tactical thermonuclear device, right at the front door. Better yet, shove it up the ass of that bubble-headed bleach blonde that the local news sent out to cover the damned opening on live TV and then set if off. ARGHHHH!!!

So the AFI’s Top 100 Movie Quotes is out. I just wanted to say that I think they are FOS. Here’s my top 10:

• 10. All you 57 cops against KUNG FU JOE? Master of KUNG-FU! KARATE! JU JUITSU! And a whole bunch of other shit that you don’t even know.
• 9. My own brother, a goddamn, shit-sucking vampire!
• 8. I’ll be damned if I let some foreign, graffiti writin’, soul suckin’, son of a bitch in an oversized cowboy hat and boots take my friend’s souls and shit ’em down the visitors toilet!
• 7. I got just one question. Which one of you assholes gets to die trying to stick me?
• 6. Pardon me while I whip this out.
• 5. Then let’s head on down into that cellar and carve ourselves a witch.
• 4. I’m your huckleberry.
• 3. Well ain’t that a bitch… All I wanted to do was to sail my boat, man, you know? Navigate by the stars, see dolphins race alongside, you know, maybe even kill a few of them.
• 2. Hey, I don’t wanna sound like a queer or nothin’, but I think unicorns are kick ass!
• 1. Fucking dipshit with a nine-toed woman!

Now those are memorable movie quotes from memorable movies.

To start shit with HMT, here’s 10 Reasons Why Kurt Russell is a better Action Star than Arnold.

• 10. Firemen are cooler than cops.
• 9. Ra blows up better than the Predator.
• 8. Kurt has a killer Elvis act.
• 7. Wyatt Fucking Earp.
• 6. Kurt has co-starred with Stallone.
• 5. Kurt can fake an Austrian accent.
• 4. Captain Ron was way funnier than Kindergarten Cop.
• 3. Kurt has never been on the juice.
• 2. Kurt is not related to the Kennedys.
• 1. Snake Plisskin could kick John Matrix’s ass every day of the week. Twice on Saturdays.

Kim du Toit links to Rodger Schultz’s 10 Worst Americans, describing them as people who’s death at infancy would have had a salutary effect on the nation’s health. I think I’ll join in, although my list is much more holistic. Take a look at his, and then mine.

• 10. Jimmy Carter. Jimmy is living proof that a genuinely good person with shit for brains can cause a hell of a lot of problems. Jimmy never met a dictator that he didn’t think could be turned to God with a little fellatio. His accomplishments according to the Wikipedia are “the Panama Canal treaties, the Camp David Accords, and the SALT II treaty with the Soviet Union.” Given that giving away the Panama Canal was a military blunder of Biblical scale, the Camp David Accords simply shifted the support for terrorism from Egypt to Jordan and Syria (for a few years) and the SALT II was never actually ratified because the Soviets never actually had any intention of adhering to it, this says a lot. It says Jimmy Carter’s accomplishment are when he managed to put off getting blamed for his fuck ups for a decade or two. He founded the Department of Education, which is why Johnny still can’t read, let inter-agency power struggles cause the Desert One fiasco and bought the hostages a nice stay in Tehran until Reagan said harsh words to the Iranians and got them released, and was so feckless that the Saudis thumbed their noses at him and shot oil prices through the roof for no other reason than that they could.

  After he was president, he went on violate the Logan Act on a regular basis by failing to negotiate peace in Bosnia (result: genocide), failing to negotiate peace with the PLO (result: terrorism), failing to negotiate with North Korea (result: likely nuclear power with poofy-haired madman holding the trigger), and failing to negotiate peace with Saddam (result: Saddam getting punched in mouth and dragged out of spider hole. Okay, I’ll give him that one.) He was also awarded the Nobel Peace Prize in 2002, which is only relevant in the sense that it had already been awarded to Kofi Annan (embezzling overseer of U.N. Rapists) and Yassir Arafat (bodyguard buggering murderer, terrorist, embezzler, and dictator) and Nelson Mandela (buddy of Castro and Ghadaffi and failed armed rebel who’s main accomplishment was getting thrown in jail.)

• 9. Dr. Benjamin Spock. Dr. Spock was a major force in the pussyfication of America. He was responsible for the death of corporal punishment in America, which has bequeathed on us the specter of generations of depraved sociopathic criminals… that we have to get rid of through the ultimate in corporal punishment. He was also an ardent leftist and an anti-Vietnam shithead. He was mostly wrongheaded, veering from this path only when he was flat-out wrong. It is said that Dr. Spock had more to do with parenting than anyone in the 20th century, and I think that the miserable failure of parents in the late 20th century illustrates this better than anything.
• 8. Neal Dow. Neal Dow was a prohibitionist who got the Dow Act passed in Maine. This eventually lead to National Prohibition, organized crime, the rise of the Treasury Department as jackbooted thugs and the BATF. Maybe if the miserable shit had been a little more personable, he could have gotten invited to a party, got drunk, caught Syphilis and died blind and demented.
• 7. Henry Ford. Henry Ford was a Nazi, a fascist, and vicious anti-Semite. He loved Hitler, propagandized for him in America, sent him money, viciously attacked American Jews when he could get away with it, and founded the Ford Foundation. The Ford Foundation has given hundreds of millions to leftist and domestic terrorist groups like Tides, Greenpeace, PETA, the Rainforrest Alliance, Union of Concerned Scientists, International Forum on Globalization, etc. I supposed that means they are faithfully carrying on Ford’s legacy of anti-Americanism, fascism, and Nazism.
• 6. Harry Anslinger. Harry Anslinger started the proud American tradition of lawmen lying to Congress about drugs to get funding and power. Anslinger was the first “Drug Czar” (an apt title if there ever was one) who was a crony of William Randolph Hurst and a proud peddler of anti-narcotic propaganda. He also was a peddler of the despicable “Cocaine Crazed Nigger” myth, along with the “Marijuana Crazed Nigger Rapist Looking for White Women” shit. He was a foul, jack-booted thug, and should have been shot in the fucking head in the 20s.
• 5. William Randolph Hurst. Hurst was a propagandist, a war-monger, and a megalomaniac. He started the Spanish American War to make a buck and a laugh. He cheated on his wife for thirty some-odd years, is rumored to have murdered a man on a boat trip, was a Nazi, an anti-marijuana propagandist, and an all around shitheel with more money than God.
• 4. Alfred Kinsey Kinsey made perversion acceptable. Kinsey was a pedophile, consorted with pedophiles, and aided and abetted pedophiles. Kinsey legitimized polygamy, homosexuality, sadomasochism, and pretty much any other perverted, depraved sexual act you can think of. He was a despicable pervert hiding in a white coat, and was the one that you could count on a lecher to point to when he got caught.

  And, he was a shitty scientist. See #2.

• 3. Joe Kennedy Joe Kennedy was a criminal. Joe Kennedy was a prohibition bootlegger. Joe Kennedy was a mobster. Joe Kennedy was a Nazi. Joe Kennedy was an inside trader and stock fraud. Joe Kennedy parlayed his mob connections and ill-gotten fortune into political power, which he used to promote the now despicable Kennedy political clan, which bought us the womanizing John Kennedy (who also managed to get us into the Vietnam War), the vindictive AG Robert Kennedy, and the deplorable Ted Kennedy, along with a myriad of other Kennedy crooks and rapists. Like father, like sons.
• 2. Carl Sagan. My beef with Carl Sagan is that he is a fucking fraud. I don’t mean that he didn’t come up with some useful theories in astronomy; I mean that he used those modest gains to swindle, defraud, bamboozle and lie to the American public for his own political gain. He betrayed America’s trust of science.

  Sagan was a proponent of the Drake Equation. I’ll grant that it is an interesting intellectual exercise, and even hold the logic to be sound. However, I wouldn’t present it as scientific evidence. Sagan did. Sagan was a proponent of the idea of Nuclear Winter. Nuclear Winter was, in scientific terms, “Bullshit”. It was a lie born of political belief, and that is something I cannot forgive in a scientist. Sagan was a proponent of Skepticism, which seeks to throw the scientific method (proof is proof) out and instead supports having a double-standard for things that he and his atheist buddies find distasteful. He coined the phrase, “Extraordinary claims require extraordinary proof,” which is the most anti-scientific phrase I can conceive of.

• 1. General William Sherman. GEN Sherman was the first war criminal in America. Sherman was, in my views, the first American to wage war on his own brothers. His crimes against humanity are on the order of the crime of slavery itself. I don’t hold the American institution of hereditary slavery lightly, but in this case, the cure is as bad as the disease.

  Sherman murdered, plundered, and burned out his own countrymen. The Civil War started a trend of treating Americans as subjects rather than citizens (leading directly, in my mind, to the modern atrocities like The Branch Davidian Massacre in Waco) that has grown all the way up to modern times.

In more Russblogging, I decided that since the Wheel of Punishment hasn’t been renovated in a while, perhaps I could come up with 10 Things that Aren’t on the Wheel of Punishment But Should Be.

• 10. Fetner Fisted
• 9. Gary Sponge Bath
• 8. Rocket Unicycle
• 7. Be J.D.’s Assistant
• 6. Serve Legal Papers on Eddie Boyd
• 5. Follow Russ’ Lawnmower
• 4. Dreamsicle Sodomy
• 3. Armwrestle Rob
• 2. Call L.A. on Phone
• 1. Suck Amy’s Talons